Today, I'm writing about light in the sense of a lightness of spirit.

Early this morning, something very little and quite inconsequential happened but in that moment, I realised that it's time to stop writing this blog. And a weight lifted.

I'm not intending to stop writing completely. I'm actually in the process of setting up a new blog, which will primarily focus on the books I review, as well as (potentially) some other random stuff. I'm actually really looking forwards to shining a light on the things I enjoy rather than on my inner self. Focusing on things I do rather than dwelling on how I feel is, I think, what I need to be doing right now.

So thank you blog! For the opportunities you gave me and the people I was able to meet through you. But most of all, thank you to YOU; for reading my blog and supporting me when times got tough.

You can still find me on twitter (by clicking here) and  I'll post the details of my new blog once it's up in case you want to take a look.

Until then, goodbye everyone!

Today I've made a start on putting aside the belief system that I've built most of my adult life around.

I'm not attractive enough...
I've put on too much weight...
I can't change my eating habits...
I make bad decisions...
I'm stuck in my job...
I'll never be a success...
I'll never achieve my dreams...
I'm too tired to make any changes...
I'm too scared to make any changes...

Because I'm not good enough.

These are the things I tell myself but I realised today that NO-ONE ELSE THINKS THEM! I am the ONLY PERSON that thinks these things about myself. So if I'm not good enough, then for whom? whose standards do I think I'm not living up to? Because, quite obviously, they're NOT REAL!

So from today, I am making a concerted effort to ignore any negative thoughts and to think twice about what I say in case I inadvertently slip into auto-pilot and say stuff that feeds into my old beliefs.



 I'm under no illusion that it'll be easy and I'll admit that I'm scared about doing this. After all, if I actively step out of the role that I've cast myself in then where will that leave me? who will I be then?

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
                                                                       -Katy Perry, "Firework"

I'll try to remember that, Katy.

Evening all! Although I haven't blogged much lately, I've been thinking about my blog a lot and whether I want to carry on with it, or even blog at all anymore.

And then I came across Blog Every Day in November (#BEDN) over at Rosalilium and I thought I'd sign up and use it as an opportunity to properly focus on exploring how I'm feeling and where I want to go next.

So to everyone who comes across this post as part of #BEDN: hello! *waves*.

I started blogging 2 years ago when my youngest was about 4 months old. I was starting to struggle with 2 under 2 and slipping into postnatal depression (although I didn't realise it at the time). The idea was that I'd use my blog to channel my transformation into "A Hell Of A Woman".

That hasn't happened though and what I've recently realised is that I'm not really any further along in that journey. I may have beaten PND but there's still a long list of things that I'm unhappy with. Do I really want to put them "out there" for all to read? And why do I find myself questioning that now when I've written personal posts in the past? what's changed?

One thing that's obvious is that I've lost my blogging "joie de vivre" and I suspect that #BEDN will either be the making or the breaking of this blog.

God, how miserable do I sound?! Readers, please sort me out!

 

PS: I really love Buffy the Vampire Slayer!