I came across an article today, I can't remember where, which linked a tendency to procrastinate with low self-esteem. And just like that, a light bulb went off over my head.
I've been a procrastinator for about 15 years, so not all my life but definitely most of my adult life, and it's taken me until today to realise that I do this for 2 reasons:
1. Deep down I don't think I have the right skills or the ability to do "it".
2. If I put "it" off then I won't fail.
And just like that, it's clear I'm a bit of a perfectionist who doesn't actually think that much of myself.
But where does procrastination really get me? It certainly doesn't drive me forwards. Instead, it keeps me stuck in a cycle of feeling rubbish about myself. I procrastinate - I feel I've achieved nothing - I'm hard on myself for wasting time and for being a low achiever - I procrastinate some more. How have I never realised this before?
I have to admit that thought's a bit scary! I already knew there were other elements in my life that need some real work on them and they're elements that I don't consider small.
For example: my diet is appalling and needs a complete overhaul. It's high in sugar, and probably fat, and low in fruit and vegetables. Then, there's my activity levels; I don't exercise. At all.
Add to that the permanent feeling of exhaustion which hits once the boys are in bed and I finally have the chance to just sit and "be".
So, yes, I'm feeling overwhelmed and not really sure where or how to start. It all feels so big, too much, you know?