Thursday, 28 June 2012

Lost my way

Week eight: Begin with a brisk 5-minute walk then 28 minutes running.

Last week I was supposed to complete 3 runs. I didn't.

This week I devised a catch-up plan with the aim of completing week 8 by today and starting week 9 on Friday. I haven't.

I've totally lost my way and the worst thing is I'm not sure I even care.

There's a part of me that still really wants to finish the Couch to 5K plan and put a big tick mark against my Grr Argh Challenge but there's a bigger part of me that thinks "what's the point? you've proven to yourself you can run, you know you can do it so lets move on to something else".

The big question is though would I be thinking this if I didn't feel so ground down by life at the moment? Because if the answer is no then I have to keep going otherwise I'll just end up beating myself up about yet another project that I've started but haven't finished.

And deep down I know the answer to that question is no but you know what? it feels easier to make excuses not to run right now:

  • It's too hot
  • The muggy weather's antagonising my asthma
  • My period's finally come back
  • My back aches
  • I'm tired
  • I'll do it tomorrow
Lets face it, they're rubbish excuses; even I can see that. But they're a symptom of the miserable, fed up attitude that kicked in when, in the same short space of time, the car broke down, 3 big household appliances went to household heaven, and everyone started to sleep badly.

I can't see a way out at the moment. Like I said, I just feel so ground down by it all and I find myself over-analysing everything. I am so tired of feeling haggard, exhausted and frumpy. I hate feeling like an empty shell that has nothing to offer, no special skills or interesting conversation; it makes me feel really insecure and vulnerable.

Starting to run gave me back some of my original sparkle but it's gone again. So what do you do when this happens to you? Inspire me world! I can't stand feeling like this.


Helen said...

Could you just go for a walk instead?

What inspired me is finding a form of exercise that I truly enjoyed rather than one I thought I should do.

Katriina said...

My advice (based on my own experience) is: just put on your running shoes and make yourself get out of the house. Sometimes that's the hardest part, psychologically. Once you're out, you might find yourself more inspired to get moving! - as Helen said above, even a walk would be a great start.

childledchaos said...

Well, I think you've done amazingly and are really inspiring. I'm no good at the pick-yourself-up advice because I'm rubbish at it myself but just think of all you've achieved, it really is fantastic. Huge hugs for feeling insecure. This blog is interesting, I'd say you have a lot to offer! I hope you're feeling a bit chirpier since this was written, take a deep breath, go back to week 6 or 7 if you need to and think of how far you've come - and those zombies! ;-) xx

Liz said...

Hello! I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Do I have any advice? Let's see...

Firstly, I think it's completely understandable that you're feeling like this. Although at the moment, it feels like you're completely sinking, keep in mind that everything passes. The kids will sleep again and then you will get more rest yourself. I always feel as though I cannot cope with ANYTHING when I'm exhausted, never mind dealing with tired kids and broken stuff.

It is really important to be kind to yourself and recognise that sometimes life gets in the way of your plans. If you can bear it, I do think that pulling on your trainers and having a go at a run will help. You may not like getting started, but afterwards, having done the exercise, you will be pleased with yourself and it might help your energy levels, as daft as that sounds.

The other thing I'll say, is that you can choose what you do, but you cannot choose what you like to do. Have a real think about whether you're running because you want to, or because you think you should want to - if it's the latter then it's time for a rethink, purely because it's more important to be honest with yourself.

Lastly, I will tell you that you're far from being an empty shell with nothing to offer. You're awesome. Whatever you do, what ever you choose, you will always be awesome, because you are kind, funny, interesting, open to new things, a great mum, and my lovely friend. Please give me a shout (anytime) if you need to chat longer - you have my email address. Get it all off your chest and then, if I can help in anyway, I will xxx

Erin said...

Here's a secret - I took 3 months to do the couch to 5k plan with two big two week breaks where I was feeling like crap and couldn't pull myself together and force myself to head out the door and run.

So after that first two week pause I signed up to run a half-marathon in October. A little bit crazy? Yes, but it's got me out the door running again because I have a reason that's bigger than just me. (I'm running for Blurt!)

I just finished running 6.24k and back in April when I began this journey I never would have imagined I'd have made it this far. It's okay to choose another activity if running isn't for you. I love it because when I run that's all I focus on which makes it a very effective break from life as a mother/wife/student etc...

What ever you decide and whatever goals you set, you can achieve them. Never forget that! =)

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