Evening all! Although I haven't blogged much lately, I've been thinking about my blog a lot and whether I want to carry on with it, or even blog at all anymore.

And then I came across Blog Every Day in November (#BEDN) over at Rosalilium and I thought I'd sign up and use it as an opportunity to properly focus on exploring how I'm feeling and where I want to go next.

So to everyone who comes across this post as part of #BEDN: hello! *waves*.

I started blogging 2 years ago when my youngest was about 4 months old. I was starting to struggle with 2 under 2 and slipping into postnatal depression (although I didn't realise it at the time). The idea was that I'd use my blog to channel my transformation into "A Hell Of A Woman".

That hasn't happened though and what I've recently realised is that I'm not really any further along in that journey. I may have beaten PND but there's still a long list of things that I'm unhappy with. Do I really want to put them "out there" for all to read? And why do I find myself questioning that now when I've written personal posts in the past? what's changed?

One thing that's obvious is that I've lost my blogging "joie de vivre" and I suspect that #BEDN will either be the making or the breaking of this blog.

God, how miserable do I sound?! Readers, please sort me out!

 

PS: I really love Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

I spent last Saturday night sobbing to my husband.

There are 2 things of which I am certain. He will have an affair and leave me, and I will die early, due to either ovarian or cervical cancer, and my boys will not remember me. My brain is very specific about both of these things.

And I cried and cried because knowing that this is what will happen is so very, very painful and I don't understand why my brain functions this way and I don't know how to change the way I think. It's all too big, too much.

I know I need to take control and there are practical things I can do to help, like booking a smear test and trying to rebuild my flagging self-esteem, but it's an uphill battle when your brain's telling you "what's the point? this won't change anything, there's no point in trying".

The thing is, if I died today, I would look back on my life with regret. It's littered with missed opportunities and inaction. Husband says it's good that I have this knowledge because I can do something about it. But that essential spark that fires you up to try new experiences and follow your dreams is missing and I can't seem to get started.

I look on with envy as family and friends embrace their work, hobbies and pretty much any creative idea that jumps to mind and I think why aren't I doing that? I have ideas. I want to find out what it is I feel really passionate about. I want to create. Why can't I get started?

Logically, I know the only thing that's stopping me is me but how do you get past that? I really need some ideas because I want more out of my life. Seriously, if you have any suggestions, please let me know xx

... of feeling unattractive, undesirable, incapable, overwhelmed, inadequate, uninteresting and more besides.

Questioning, questioning, questioning. All. The. Time.

It's exhausting.

Raaargh! I have so many thoughts in my head but that's where they seem to stay! I could really do with some kind of device that plugs into my brain and recognises the precise moment that I'm feeling a bit of blog-spiration and immediately transmits my words into a shiny, fresh post for me!

 

Oh my god! It looks like I've wrapped a piece of licorice around my head!

 

So far, I want to write about:

• When I started taking my anti-depressants
• Having a Christmas blip
• A new interest
• Why I've fallen in love with Elle magazine
• Talking (or not) about PND
• Being Human's nearly back
• My hair
• Neon makeup
• My crush on John Constantine
• Mealplanning
• Revamping my spending habits
• The first few months with 2 under 2
• My 2013 plans
 

Then add to that the 4 book reviews which I'd planned to write before Christmas and obviously didn't. Sorry!

 

Anyway, I've decided that I need to just write, and get it all out. I need to practise, practise, practise, write, write write and I don't think I particularly want to promote any of it on twitter. I think I want to just take a break from the whole increasing readership thing and if people find me and like what they read then great, but if they don't then it's no big deal because the important thing is that I'll be working on building good writing habits.

 

It actually feels quite a relief to write all that down!

 

PS: Happy New Year!!!