Today, I'm writing about light in the sense of a lightness of spirit.

Early this morning, something very little and quite inconsequential happened but in that moment, I realised that it's time to stop writing this blog. And a weight lifted.

I'm not intending to stop writing completely. I'm actually in the process of setting up a new blog, which will primarily focus on the books I review, as well as (potentially) some other random stuff. I'm actually really looking forwards to shining a light on the things I enjoy rather than on my inner self. Focusing on things I do rather than dwelling on how I feel is, I think, what I need to be doing right now.

So thank you blog! For the opportunities you gave me and the people I was able to meet through you. But most of all, thank you to YOU; for reading my blog and supporting me when times got tough.

You can still find me on twitter (by clicking here) and  I'll post the details of my new blog once it's up in case you want to take a look.

Until then, goodbye everyone!

Evening all! Although I haven't blogged much lately, I've been thinking about my blog a lot and whether I want to carry on with it, or even blog at all anymore.

And then I came across Blog Every Day in November (#BEDN) over at Rosalilium and I thought I'd sign up and use it as an opportunity to properly focus on exploring how I'm feeling and where I want to go next.

So to everyone who comes across this post as part of #BEDN: hello! *waves*.

I started blogging 2 years ago when my youngest was about 4 months old. I was starting to struggle with 2 under 2 and slipping into postnatal depression (although I didn't realise it at the time). The idea was that I'd use my blog to channel my transformation into "A Hell Of A Woman".

That hasn't happened though and what I've recently realised is that I'm not really any further along in that journey. I may have beaten PND but there's still a long list of things that I'm unhappy with. Do I really want to put them "out there" for all to read? And why do I find myself questioning that now when I've written personal posts in the past? what's changed?

One thing that's obvious is that I've lost my blogging "joie de vivre" and I suspect that #BEDN will either be the making or the breaking of this blog.

God, how miserable do I sound?! Readers, please sort me out!

 

PS: I really love Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

I've been tagged by Charlotte, the Distressed Housewife, to think of three things that I would put into my own personal Room 101, as part of a meme started over at Stickers, Stars and Smiles.

If you want to join in, the rules are:

• Pick three things/people/whatever that you would shove in a room never to see the light of day again (Room 101)
• Explain why should they go in there
• Tag three bloggers to carry the meme forward (if you want to).
• Display the Room 101 badge (at the bottom of this post) so your readers can find all of the other posts in the meme.

Now there's no way my post is going to be half as funny as Charlotte's so instead, I've decided to base my Room 101 around horror films; hence the cunning title of this post!

In no particular order, here are my three:

One
Turn the lights on! Okay, this isn't exclusive to horror films but it drives me up the wall. If you're going to look around someone's house because you can't get in touch with them and/or think they've been killed, turn the bloody lights on! There's NO NEED for you to stumble around in the dark, trying to make sense of the shadows and guessing about the source of any strange noises. Seriously, it will be much easier to find out what's going on (and spot if there's anyone hiding behind a door/under the bed/in a wardrobe) if you just TURN THE LIGHTS ON!! 

Two
Don't split up! If you and your friends are being picked off one by one by a madman, why oh why would you even consider splitting up at any point? It won't be quicker to find your missing friend/put the lights back on/obtain weapons or help if you take a task each and split up to do it, you'll just be DEAD!


Three
If the lights unexpectedly go out, don't investigate to find out why! This applies even more when your torch is on the blink and/or you're wearing  unsuitable footwear. I refer you back to point 2 above; you know that you and your friends are being picked off by a psycho so why would you even contemplate going to find out why your house/office/other building was suddenly plunged into darkness? The rule of thumb in this situation is ALWAYS run away fast!

To carry on this meme, I am tagging Liz at Margot & Barbara, Avon (who incidentally wrote this fabulous guest post for me) and Mummy Plum. In fact, I'm going to break the rules and tag my sister Laura at Chez Mummy as well because I think she'll enjoy joining in with this.

The 50 Most Inspirational Quotes For Women Of All Time

It's been a while since I've run a themed series of posts on my blog and I'm liking the idea of spending some time focusing on who our personal "A Hell Of A Woman" is and why. I think it will be really interesting to read about the women that inspire us and I'd like it to feel like a celebration of womankind.

The only rules I have are as follows:

• You must write about a female role model
• Fictional characters are included
• You must explain why that person is your role model

I'm happy to accept serious and light-hearted posts; just write from your heart and in your own personal style.

If you're interested in getting involved then please get in touch in one of the following ways:

• Leave a comment
• Tweet me 
• Send me an email to ahellofawoman [at] gmail [dot] com

I've been feeling in a bit of a blogging rut lately and a bit "meh, what's the point" so last night, I decided to change the look of my blog. I'm hoping the lighter colours and new layout will inspire me to write a lot more.

I know the title of my blog "A Hell Of A Woman" probably seems at odds with the graphic of the tired girl, head slumped in arms, up there in the corner but it felt particularly apt to me. I may be that tired girl at the moment but one day, I will be more. I will be a hell of a woman. It's just taking a little longer than I expected.

Raaargh! I have so many thoughts in my head but that's where they seem to stay! I could really do with some kind of device that plugs into my brain and recognises the precise moment that I'm feeling a bit of blog-spiration and immediately transmits my words into a shiny, fresh post for me!

 

Oh my god! It looks like I've wrapped a piece of licorice around my head!

 

So far, I want to write about:

• When I started taking my anti-depressants
• Having a Christmas blip
• A new interest
• Why I've fallen in love with Elle magazine
• Talking (or not) about PND
• Being Human's nearly back
• My hair
• Neon makeup
• My crush on John Constantine
• Mealplanning
• Revamping my spending habits
• The first few months with 2 under 2
• My 2013 plans
 

Then add to that the 4 book reviews which I'd planned to write before Christmas and obviously didn't. Sorry!

 

Anyway, I've decided that I need to just write, and get it all out. I need to practise, practise, practise, write, write write and I don't think I particularly want to promote any of it on twitter. I think I want to just take a break from the whole increasing readership thing and if people find me and like what they read then great, but if they don't then it's no big deal because the important thing is that I'll be working on building good writing habits.

 

It actually feels quite a relief to write all that down!

 

PS: Happy New Year!!!

I have a brand, shiny new blogger for your delectation today!

Ed is a proud dad of 1 oversized and amazingly cute 8 month old baby boy. (He really is cute by the way - check him out in Ed's profile picture and read more about him in this post here).

Ed is a brand new daddy blogger, having only just started his blog The Daddy Adventure on 15 April 2012. His other half also blogs over at The Mummy Adventure where you can find more cute pics of baby Dylan to coo over!

You can find Ed on twitter here and his other half Bex can be found on twitter here. Go show them both some blogging love.

In his own words "I am 28 and plan to live forever". Now that's a plan.

As a Dad, I know the importance of living forever.  And as I haven't yet taken out any kind of life cover I have to be well prepared for all things that come my way, to ensure I don't bite the dust (dust is largely made up of dead skin.... mmm tasty dead skin...).

The rise of zombies is something that has been picking up pace over the last decade.  As with most virus related illnesses, it has a snowballing effect.  The more people that get the virus, the more people there are to spread the virus.  And as you know, catching the zombie virus is a lot worse than getting flu (with the exception of man flu which is the worst illness in the world). 

As with flu, there is a peak period every year where it spreads faster.  Every June there are hoards of zombies passing through on what can only be seen as some kind of pilgrimage through Canterbury.  Proof of this is easily found on youtube and google (search 'canterbury zombie').

So the end is nigh, and much nigher than you think.  By my recent calculations (I have a scientific calculator!) I estimate that this June there will be a big jump in the zombie population, however the following June is when the nutella sausages hit the fan!  You have 14 months to prepare.  You have been warned.

There are many thoughts on the effects of zombies on society as a whole.  Zombies, as with all humans, will benefit greatly from the human rights act (which they are rightly entitled to).  You should not be prejudice against zombies, just as you should not be racist.  Don't be racist.  Don't be zombiest.  There are recent cases that have shown some zombies are hard workers, and can be kept in a similar way as a pet.  One example of this is Billy Connolly.

Other zombies are very athletic and some of them will be pushing for gold in the olympics this summer.  Many of the extras from the film 28 days later are very good sprinters.  Usain Bolt has denied recent rumours that he too is a zombie.

Some zombies are also full of charm, and are good at politics.  Look how successful Boris Johnson has become.  A true idol for all zombies.

However, as with the youth of today, the majority of zombies are smelly, loud, obnoxious, and hang around in the middle of the street at all times of the day trying to chew on people.  These antisocial zombies are the ones you will need to be careful around.  Here are a few tips on how to survive in a world where zombies share our streets.

1 - Carry weapons.  Any weapon that can do serious bludgeoning to the head is good, such as a mace, or perhaps a baseball bat.  Weapons that can decapitate are good.  But please ensure you have had training by a professional before using such weapons, as you may injure yourself.  Guns are effective, but they are expensive to purchase and maintain.  Again, please have training to use such weapons, as you wouldn't want to miss and shoot your mum in the face.  She would not be best pleased, would she?

2 - Get fit.  Its embarrassing being outrun by a zombie, as well as fatal.  Like the host of this site, you may want to embark on a self improvement program such as the couch to 5k challenge.  I have recently tried this, and found it much quicker and effective to use transport (see how I've got on with my own fitness regime here).  Running 5k is not a pleasant experience.  Always have your car keys in your pocket, or your bicycle near by.  Never go out without them. 

3 - Barricade yourself at home.  Alternatively, you may decide getting fit is not for you.  In which case please hire a handyman to border up your windows and doors.  Solid wood and metal is preferable.

4 - If you have any elderly relatives, it is recommended that you call them before visiting.  The elderly are very susceptible to viruses such as the zombie virus.  If you turn up unannounced, it can be very hard to tell if they have the virus, as elderly people share many of the same symptoms.  You don't want to find yourself in an awkward situation where you may need to shoot your own mum, like Simon Pegg had to.

5 - If you have any children, you should educate them to say no to zombies.  Please keep your child on a leash at all time.  A scared child can often react badly to seeing a zombie, and you do not want them to run in to the road from fright.

For more detailed information on the symptoms of the zombie virus, please contact your local health service.

Remember that zombies are slow.  They cannot swim, but equally they cannot drown.  So being in a boat is a fairly safe place.  Just ensure you are not in shallow waters. 

I will be panic buying bread and milk from May 2013, and moving on to a yacht.  I suggest you do the same.

Bon voyage, humans!

Now I've announced the details of my new Grr Argh! Challenge, which will take place over a period of 9 weeks, I'd like to invite YOU to get involved by writing a guest post to appear here on my blog.

I want to hear about the challenges you've undertaken to improve your health and fitness. What made you start? What were the high and low points? How did you get on? What did you learn about yourself?

Maybe you can share your tips on how to keep yourself motivated when it comes to exercising and how you find the time to fit exercise into your life (especially if you're a parent of small children).

Or maybe you'd like to share the music you listen to when you exercise. Why did you choose it? What makes a perfect playlist?

If you're not one for writing on the topic of fitness, don't be put off. Instead, why not come and share your thoughts about the zombie apocalypse? Do you have an action plan? Have you picked out a safe haven? Planned some emergency supplies? Got your weapons sorted? I want to know!

Don't think you can't contribute because you're a newer blogger and you've never written a guest post before, you just need to be enthusiastic and I promise your post will find a happy home here!

If you'd like to guest post, please email me at ahellofawoman@gmail.com OR leave a comment and your email address in the comments section below so I can get in touch with you.

Kate over at Kate On Thin Ice recently caught my attention by asking for 90 bloggers to join her in supporting Breakthrough Breast Cancer in a very particular way.

Breakthrough Breast Cancer is, in their own words, "dedicated to saving lives by finding the causes of breast cancer, improving detection, diagnosis, treatment and services". There's a wealth of information on their website, including everything you need to know to be breast aware. In fact, did you know there's a free iPhone app called "ibreastcheck", which includes a video showing you how to check your breasts and the facility to set a self-check reminder so you can monitor any changes in your own breasts? I didn't.

And Men, I'm talking to you too!

Anyway, Kate is looking for 90 bloggers to write about an important woman in their life in 90 words and to link up their posts using the linky code on her post here. The post can be about any woman that matters to you – a grandmother, a mum, a daughter, a friend, a blogger, a boss, whoever you wish. 

So why 90 words? This is because there are 90 numbers in a game of bingo. And why is this relevant? Well, Pink Ribbon Bingo have pledged to support Breakthrough Breast Cancer all year round with 15% of the gross revenue accrued through online play on the site being donated to the charity. Visitors also have the opportunity to donate a percentage of their winnings directly to the charity. Along with the fundraising element, Pink Ribbon Bingo and The Daily Mail online will be helping the charity to raise awareness by promoting their vital health messages such as TLC (Touch, Look, Check).

My 90 words are dedicated to someone who won't be expecting this: my sister.

We don't live near each other. We don't see much of each other. We don't speak often.

But you matter. You matter to me. Never doubt that.

I'm not like you. I'm forgetful, disorganised and hopeless at planning ahead. I try not to be but I always seem to be a couple of days behind where I should be. There's more but this post is about you, not me.

When you don't hear from me, it's not because I don't care. Please don't ever think my silence is a reflection of how I feel about you. It's not.

I'm very proud of you. You've always known what you wanted to do with your life and you've worked incredibly hard to be able to reach your goals.

You juggle raising your beautiful children with working full-time and the long commute that goes with it. You find time to be a domestic goddess. You're caring and considerate. You remember special occasions. You always go to see our grandparents when you visit. You're organised. You always make an effort and you have a listening ear for anyone who may need to make use of it.

You may not always feel it but you're strong and capable and when you put your mind to something, there's no stopping you.

You'll never stop being my sister.

I love you.

I am fortunate to have been awarded the Liebster Blog award twice. Once by More Than A Mum and again by Bluebirdsunshine. Thank you ladies. If you haven't visited either of these blogs before then I really recommend you go ahead and do so.

The More Than A Mum blog is close to my heart as its key message is you can be a brilliant mum whilst keeping your identity as a woman, and this is something I'm trying to achieve at the moment.

Bluebirdsunshine's blog is one that I've discovered more recently but with which I regularly find myself empathising. Blue's honesty really shines through.

The rules of the Liebster Blog award state I now need to pass the award onto 5 other bloggers; each with less than 200 followers. I choose:

Up Yours Gina Ford : because it's impossible to read this and not laugh

Mills And Boon Wannabe: because this is my guilty pleasure

The Life And Times Of The Working Mum : because Laura is lovely and friendly

Cheetahs In My Shoes : because Jenny is an inspiration who also does some phenomenal baking

Chapters Of Claire : because Claire is incredibly funny and friendly and she also has impeccable television viewing tastes

Now go! Visit these blogs and see whether they're for you or not. Then google "Liebster Blog Award" and see whether any of the other blogs that have received this award takes your fancy. I'm going to do the same x

After completing my 12 days of Buffy challenge on Monday, I treated myself to a day off from my blog yesterday and...I felt lost! This really surprised me, as it's not like I don't have anything else to do each day. There's the boys to keep clean, fed, watered and entertained; the house to keep tidy; the dog to walk; and Christmas to prepare for.

Here are some of the highlights of a normal day in my house:

• Drag myself out of bed in the morning after the joy of the baby waking up 2 hourly throughout the night
• Try and fail to have a hot cup of tea
• Get all the basic jobs done (clean the kitchen, hoover, at least 1 load of laundry)
• Deal with the many and varied requests from the toddler and baby
• Breathe a sigh of relief when the toddler has his lunchtime nap and if I've got the timing right, take the baby to bed at the same time so we can both have some more sleep
• Berate myself for failing to devise some innovative and educational way of entertaining the boys/for not taking them out (thus also leading to me berating myself for not walking the dog)/for being quite comatose due to a distinct lack of sleep
• Deal with the inevitable pre-bedtime "excitement"
• Collapse in a stupor in front of the tv once the boys are in bed. Well, I say in bed but the baby's not at that stage yet so my evening's are still spent with one child attached to me
• Try to remind myself that as long as the boys are fed, watered, clean and happy I've done a good job and it's unreasonable to expect myself to be some kind of all-singing all-dancing amazing collectors edition of a mum, especially when the baby's so little
• Get up and do it all again the next day, and the next...
 

Without the focus that the challenge gave me, I achieved nothing but the very, and I mean very, bare minimum yesterday *whispers* and today.

Now whilst there are most definitely times when days like that are needed for our own mental and physical wellbeing, yesterday wasn't one of them. Instead, I was left feeling that my lack of focus prevented me from achieving my normal 'what I'm doing is good enough' mantra and this is most definitely bad.

It seems if I have a "just for myself" goal in a day then I also achieve more in the other areas of my life. This then makes me feel good; in control; capable and successful. In short, I don't feel like a bad mother.

So, I need to get my sense of direction back and what better way to do that than to list here all the blogging things that I need to do now my 12 days of Buffy challenge has finished. Here's my to-do list:

1. Write a guest post for the lovely Cat at Yellow Days
2. Join in with the new I Spy photo meme; that's started over at Mum Of One
3. Accept my Leibster award from Bluebirdsunshine and More Than A Mum
4. Write an "all I want for Christmas" post courtesy of the tag I received from Dorky Mum
5. Get involved in the grooving mums challenge set by Kate On Thin Ice
6. Write an "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" post courtesy of the tag I received from Mummy Mishaps
7. Rewrite the "about me" section of my blog
8. Link my 12 days of Buffy posts to my 12 days of Buffy blog page

I'm going to get started tomorrow so if you catch me dawdling on twitter, give me a prod and send me on my way!

Have you ever felt invisible? What would you do if you were invisible for a day, or longer?

In episode 11 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we discover that Marcie Ross, ignored and treated as though she doesn't exist at school, has actually become invisible. Rather than solving her problems, the continued loneliness and isolation has driven her insane and she plans to horrifically disfigure the most popular girl at school, Cordelia, to make her understand what it's like to be an outcast.

What's interesting about this episode is you start out sympathising with Marcie but by the end, you've seen an unexpected depth and intelligence in Cordelia. She may be the queen bee but hers is still a lonely throne:

Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.

Out of all the episodes I've watched so far, this one best sums up the feelings that led to me starting this blog. Having 2 babies in 2.5 years has been incredibly rewarding but lets face it, it's also been, and still is, extremely exhausting. My life has undergone this huge transformation and even though I knew this would happen, it's still hard to come to terms with.

There's the 'little' things like the physical changes to my body, the postnatel hair loss, the ridiculously dry skin, the fact I haven't worn heels since 2008 and struggle to walk in them now, my limited wardrobe, the lack of inexpensive clothing that's suitable for breastfeeding, not being able to find time to drink a hot cup of tea or to indulge myself in other ways (like a long, luxurious bubble bath).

Then there's the bigger things like the sleep deprivation, loss of privacy, feeling like my body is no longer my own, having no time to pursue my own interests, having no energy to take care of myself and did I mention the lack of sleep?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I find having children all-consuming. I am so busy being a mum that I have no time to be me. I have become invisible to myself.

Feeling that I've lost my identity as a woman is what led me to start blogging and in turn, to set myself the 12 days of Buffy challenge. And let me tell you, it HAS been a challenge! I am shocked at how difficult it has been to find the opportunity to watch one episode of Buffy, in peace, and to cross one thing off my to-do list each day. Then there's writing my daily update, which easily takes me a couple of hours because I'm completely out of practice when it comes to writing and words aren't yet coming easily to me.

I am glad I started this process though. I feel better about myself; I have something to talk about other than my boys and it's good to spend some time doing something that's purely for me each day. Husband says I've been sparkling since starting the challenge and I think that's probably the perfect adjective for how I feel. It certainly encourages me to keep going and gives me faith that I too can be a hell of a woman.

I put my to-do list to one side today and instead concentrated on catching up on some sleep. The baby and I spent a couple of extra hours in bed this morning while husband and toddler entertained each other, and we both felt a lot more well rested for it.

Please keep your fingers crossed for the minimum of night feeds tonight. I'm not naieve enough to think sleeping through is anywhere near being on the cards yet!

Now, before I go and scuttle off to bed, please go and support the rest of #teambuffy: Nyssapod, Chapters of Claire, Made by Tamsin and Margot and Barbara. All of these ladies are working on their own variation of the 12 days of Buffy challenge and I would really appreciate it if you'd give them a boost and tell them they're doing a great job.

See you tomorrow for the grand finale x

Sunday; so sweet and innocent on the surface:

But dig a bit deeper and she'll pin you down and drain every last fluid oz of blood from your body:

This is one girl that doesn't like to share and most definitely NOT love.

Wait a minute! What's that you say? It's not Share the blog love, Sunday? It's Share the blog love Sunday?? So less killer vampire and more last day of the weekend? Right then.

For those of you who haven't heard of Share the blog love Sunday (as I hadn't until a couple of days ago), it was created by Tired Mummy Of Two who, each week, picks up to 10 blog posts from across the week and shares them with the readers of her blog.

It's great for 2 reasons. Firstly, as a blogger, it's fun to show everyone what you've been reading and enjoying through the week and secondly, it gives you, the reader, an opportunity to  explore other blogs that you may not have otherwise come across.

When Tired Mummy of Two invited other bloggers to share the love this week (as she has commitments this weekend that will prevent her from doing it), I jumped at the chance to get involved. So here it is, the blog posts that really stood out to me this week:

The day a police helicopter found me : an incredibly frank and open account of Mammasaurus' experience of Post Natel Depression

But why? : an entertaining anecdote from Bod for Tea which I'm sure every parent will identify with

The bishop's eye : a laugh out loud tale of the masticating Archdeacon and the chewing of breasts from Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron

Jammin' session : when Mummy is a Gadget Geek used her breadmaker to make jam

Dealing with nerves : a typically exuberant and hilarious post by the delightful Mother Venting

7 secrets : a well written and charming insight into Margot and Barbara

Missy's second birthday : take a look at the incredible "Show Me Show Me" birthday cake made by ChrisTea and Cakes (then cruise on over to her post Hat a cake)

Why I feel better for wearing a necklace : a very moving post by Kate on Thin Ice about the many complex emotions that arose following her mum's death

Walk with me a while : take a virtual walk alongside Five Go Blogging courtesy of her beautiful photos

And finally, Welcome to the world Sam by Cafe Bebe. This was undoubtedly one of the biggest stories of the week amongst the blogging community on twitter, as we followed Karin from her admission to hospital right through to the birth of the delectable Sam. Congratulations Karin!!

If these aren't enough for you, why not pop on over to Tired Mummy Of Two where she's collated links to everyone who's gotten involved in Share the blog love Sunday. I'm sure you'll find plenty more posts to keep you busy x