Raaargh! I have so many thoughts in my head but that's where they seem to stay! I could really do with some kind of device that plugs into my brain and recognises the precise moment that I'm feeling a bit of blog-spiration and immediately transmits my words into a shiny, fresh post for me!

 

Oh my god! It looks like I've wrapped a piece of licorice around my head!

 

So far, I want to write about:

• When I started taking my anti-depressants
• Having a Christmas blip
• A new interest
• Why I've fallen in love with Elle magazine
• Talking (or not) about PND
• Being Human's nearly back
• My hair
• Neon makeup
• My crush on John Constantine
• Mealplanning
• Revamping my spending habits
• The first few months with 2 under 2
• My 2013 plans
 

Then add to that the 4 book reviews which I'd planned to write before Christmas and obviously didn't. Sorry!

 

Anyway, I've decided that I need to just write, and get it all out. I need to practise, practise, practise, write, write write and I don't think I particularly want to promote any of it on twitter. I think I want to just take a break from the whole increasing readership thing and if people find me and like what they read then great, but if they don't then it's no big deal because the important thing is that I'll be working on building good writing habits.

 

It actually feels quite a relief to write all that down!

 

PS: Happy New Year!!!

I've been tagged by Dorky Mum and Margot and Barbara to tell you about those money-can't-buy-things I'd love to have for Christmas and to be honest, I've deliberately held off writing this post because I've really struggled to think what they are.

Now before you all write me off as completely shallow and selfish, let me explain it's not because I in any way, shape or form equate Christmas with money. It's because my head hasn't been in the right place over the last week or so. I find it hard to put my finger on exactly what's been wrong but whatever it was, it took me away from my blog and to a degree, from twitter and left me feeling very insecure and insular.

Fortunately, and I realise this will sound strange, inspiration for this post struck when we all came down with a nasty cold towards the end of last week. When you see the people you love struggling, it makes you realise what's important.

The idea for this post actually originated with Mummy Central and the rules are as follows:

1. List up to five things you are wishing for which money can't buy
2. Tag someone else to do the same
3. Add your post title to the linky link over at Mummy Central's blog
4. Leave a comment over on Mummy Central's post so she knows she's not alone in her mutterings!

So here are my money can't buy Christmas wishes:

Good health for my family and friends : too many people have been struck down with one bug or another in the last few weeks. I wish everyone a speedy recovery, including my baby boy who is still battling the tail-end of a cold and a persistent cough.

Unbroken sleep : I've spent the last 6 months waking every 2 to 3 hours through the night with the baby. I dream about spending the night in a hotel and just sleeping and sleeping! Husband was very excited when I mentioned this to him until he realised I meant on my own!

For my hair to stop falling out : seriously, enough now! I am sick of finding huge clumps of hair everywhere I go. I want to be able to wear my hair long and loose rather than scraped back into a bun or in plaits. Don't make me have to get pregnant again!

Self awareness and inner peace : there have been times this year when I've been judged and misunderstood by others and it's hurt. There have also been times when I've questionned my mental health and more generally, myself. I need to feel stronger and more secure about myself and I really think the way to do that is to find out exactly who I am as an individual - my likes, dislikes, beliefs, values, moral code, skills  - and make peace with myself.

Active creativity : I've mentioned before that procrastinating is a big flaw of mine so this Christmas, I'd love for that particular characteristic to vanish and for there to be a torrential outpouring of creative endeavours from me.

Now you know mine, I'm going to tag Cat over at Yellow Days to tell us what she'd like for Christmas that money can't buy.

After completing my 12 days of Buffy challenge on Monday, I treated myself to a day off from my blog yesterday and...I felt lost! This really surprised me, as it's not like I don't have anything else to do each day. There's the boys to keep clean, fed, watered and entertained; the house to keep tidy; the dog to walk; and Christmas to prepare for.

Here are some of the highlights of a normal day in my house:

• Drag myself out of bed in the morning after the joy of the baby waking up 2 hourly throughout the night
• Try and fail to have a hot cup of tea
• Get all the basic jobs done (clean the kitchen, hoover, at least 1 load of laundry)
• Deal with the many and varied requests from the toddler and baby
• Breathe a sigh of relief when the toddler has his lunchtime nap and if I've got the timing right, take the baby to bed at the same time so we can both have some more sleep
• Berate myself for failing to devise some innovative and educational way of entertaining the boys/for not taking them out (thus also leading to me berating myself for not walking the dog)/for being quite comatose due to a distinct lack of sleep
• Deal with the inevitable pre-bedtime "excitement"
• Collapse in a stupor in front of the tv once the boys are in bed. Well, I say in bed but the baby's not at that stage yet so my evening's are still spent with one child attached to me
• Try to remind myself that as long as the boys are fed, watered, clean and happy I've done a good job and it's unreasonable to expect myself to be some kind of all-singing all-dancing amazing collectors edition of a mum, especially when the baby's so little
• Get up and do it all again the next day, and the next...
 

Without the focus that the challenge gave me, I achieved nothing but the very, and I mean very, bare minimum yesterday *whispers* and today.

Now whilst there are most definitely times when days like that are needed for our own mental and physical wellbeing, yesterday wasn't one of them. Instead, I was left feeling that my lack of focus prevented me from achieving my normal 'what I'm doing is good enough' mantra and this is most definitely bad.

It seems if I have a "just for myself" goal in a day then I also achieve more in the other areas of my life. This then makes me feel good; in control; capable and successful. In short, I don't feel like a bad mother.

So, I need to get my sense of direction back and what better way to do that than to list here all the blogging things that I need to do now my 12 days of Buffy challenge has finished. Here's my to-do list:

1. Write a guest post for the lovely Cat at Yellow Days
2. Join in with the new I Spy photo meme; that's started over at Mum Of One
3. Accept my Leibster award from Bluebirdsunshine and More Than A Mum
4. Write an "all I want for Christmas" post courtesy of the tag I received from Dorky Mum
5. Get involved in the grooving mums challenge set by Kate On Thin Ice
6. Write an "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" post courtesy of the tag I received from Mummy Mishaps
7. Rewrite the "about me" section of my blog
8. Link my 12 days of Buffy posts to my 12 days of Buffy blog page

I'm going to get started tomorrow so if you catch me dawdling on twitter, give me a prod and send me on my way!

FACT : I am not a fan of Christmas songs.

FACT : I was a fan of this song before it became a Christmas No. 1.

FACT : My son was born the very next day.

Was it what you were expecting musodad? Thanks for the tag by the way ;-)

To keep the meme alive, I'm tagging:

@missingsleep

@iheartmuthahood

@rantybeast

@minibreakmummy

@margotbarbara

@wag_doll

@madebytamsin

@clairedeeming

I'm looking forwards to finding out what you each choose as your favourite Christmas song x