Friday, 15 June 2012

The zombie apocalypse handbag of joy

I've managed to lure the delightful Amanda Jennings to write a guest post for me. She's an actual, real, published writer whose first novel "Sworn Secret" is out on 16 August 2012, which I'm incredibly excited about on her behalf!

Amanda's currently working hard on her next book. At least she is when I'm not distracting her with talks of the apocalypse! You can keep up with all of her shenanigans by visiting her official website and following her on twitter. I can say with complete authority that she loves a good natter!

And now, over to Amanda: no pressure, but this had better be good!...

When the zombie apocalypse is upon us, when the virus has attacked 90% of the human population, when hordes of dead-but-walking bodies romp the planet in search of living flesh in a gluttonous frenzy akin to students with the munchies craving Monster Munch from the late-night garage, the lucky few – of which I intend to be one – will need their wits about them.

They will also need a carefully packed handbag.

My pre-Zombie Apocalypse handbag – a cheap, mock-leather shoulder bag – at the time of writing, holds the following: some used tissues, a manky apple core, some loose coppers with bits of chocolate and biscuit crumbs stuck to them, crumpled Tesco receipts, a lip gloss, a hairy hairbrush, a book of stamps with no stamps in it, and two pens, one that works, one that doesn’t. None of these things is going to be remotely useful when the undead are attempting to chow down on my softer bits. So as soon as the first zombies appear I shall jettison this and replace it with my Zombie Apocalypse Handbag of Joy.

How to Put Together the Perfect  Zombie Apocalypse Handbag of Joy

The bag itself: Practically speaking, this should ideally be a medium-sized, robust rucksack with multi-pockets and adjustable straps. However, I suggest now is the time to grab a Hermes Birkin, the must-have bag beloved of celebrities of the likes of Kim Kardashian and her pals. You won’t have to pay the $10,000 price tag, of course – and this is one of the Zombie Apocalypse plus points – you can loot one! I do think this is worth doing as one should never underestimate the importance of looking stylish whilst running for your life.

Sugar: You will need some sweets. When being chased by salivating zombies it’s difficult to predict how long you’ll need to keep running. There are bound to be times when you need a rapid injection of sucrose to give you that extra energy boost. But what to choose? Now this is important. You mustn’t go with your favourites – in my case these would be Werther’s Originals or Swizzels Love Hearts – if you do, you’ll eat them all in one go. You need to pack something not-so-tasty. Top of the list is a tin of Fisherman’s Friends though a decent second choice would be a dozen party-size packets of ParmaViolets.

Weaponry: In an ideal post-Apocalyptic world you would have a handgun. However, it’s tricky to walk into a shop and buy one. If you can, great, if you can’t, you will need a good alternative. In this case, a sharp implement that’s sturdy enough to penetrate a half-rotten skull is essential, but not something so lethal that if you fall whilst fleeing you run the risk of impaling yourself. Go for something handy-sized, pointy and made of metal, like a sharpened marquee tent peg or a WWII Japanese Samurai Katana with sheath.

Condoms: Assuming your current partner becomes a rancid, bloodless zombie, you will need to consider protection of the sexual kind. Who knows what urges may overcome you in the Apocalypse. A handsome living man, in fact ANY living man, is going to look irresistible next to those leering, putrid corpses. Stress, excitement, an overdose of Parma Violets, all these things are likely to weaken your resolve. WARNING - this is NOT the time to fall pregnant!! Morning sickness, sore feet, backache, indigestion, and an extra two stone are the last things you need when trying to escape a dead dude’s mouth. Not only that, but nobody knows how long the undead will remain walking and hungry. Childbirth leaves you vulnerable, prone to tears, and desperate for doughnuts. You do not need this. Condoms are essential.

Sparklers: It’s been suggested that fireworks in the night sky can distract a herd of zombies and hold their attention just long enough for the averagely fit human to make their escape. It’s impractical to carry fireworks, not to mention unwise, but a pack of sparklers might just save your life. I’m of the belief that no zombie could fail to be mesmerised by a sparkler. You will obviously need a lighter as well. A wind-resistant Zippo is ideal.

A vial and syringe: When you reach Nirvana or the Ark – or whatever the VIPs have decided to call the zombie-free haven in the Highlands surrounded by barbed wire and heavily armed snipers – they are going to want you to fill out forms, sign papers, and provide proof you’re definitely alive before they call off the dogs and open the gates. Syringe some blood, fill the vial, and post it though the letterbox as soon as you arrive. Hopefully, they’ll have the results of your blood test back before the ungodly swarm of dead locals in tattered kilts surround and dismember you.

Methylated spirits: At some stage during the Zombie Apocalypse, when life itself seems futile, you will need a little drink. But rather like the sweets, there’s no point in packing a beer or a Tesco Finest Pouilly Fumé because you’ll drink it before the Apocalypse has even been declared official. Meths will make you go blind or kill you, but without doubt death by Meths is preferable to death by ravenous zombie.

So there you have it, my Zombie Apocalypse Handbag of Joy. Obviously, you can customise your own handbag by adding a few items of your own choosing – fiendish Sudoku or a small colouring book perhaps – but as long as you have the above ‘capsule items’, you’ll give yourself a fighting chance.

Good luck and see you at the Ark!


LucyM said...

I spend a lot of time hiking in the Hong Kong mountains. Buffaloes, snakes and monkeys are like thick, live versions of zombies- so I shall tell you what I pack in my rucksack to keep myself safe from them. A swiss army knife. A maglite torch that doubles as a cosh/thing to stick in a buffalo's eye. Horrible energy gel, that I hate the taste of, but can eat if I break my leg and am stranded in the hills.A waterproof poncho, which in extremis could be a tent. A flask of tea. I would def pack a flask of tea in the zombie handbag as the electricity might go off and then where will you be? I'd take a pack of teabags too. You could always use an empty skull as a kettle and make a fire out of body parts! Great blog thanks. x

Amanda said...

TEA!!!!!! For the love of all that is sweet-smelling in the zombie-free world...what was I thinking to forget about TEA?!! a flask of tea is essential. Maybe more essential than Meths.
Thanks for your fab comment. Suffice it to say I'm glad I'm not a hapless snake that crosses you and your rucksack's path...

Edward Plunket-Checkemian said...

Hugely miffed, I wrote a reply yesterday and it clearly didn't make it on.

Firstly I must comment on handbags in general, pre-apocolypse if you will. My wife has a handbag the size of a small trunk, like the ones you would pack for a six month safari. Clearly paying in a cheque requires this amount of "stuff". I say stuff, because do you really know waht is in there. My gauge is the lipstick test. How many do you have in yours and what colours? My wife had five, four were the same colour, the fifth, just a different shade of the other four!

Post apocolypse, I would go for my roll of chef's knives, including the 14" cook's knife, could double as a machete. Not sure about meths, but understand that you want something that won't be consumed quickly out of enjoyment. I would suggest Dr. Pepper, Irn Bru or Tizer. At some stage a crossbow would need to be procured, silent, deadly and, once the brain matter has been wiped off, re-usable ammo!

Another witty post, thank you.

Hook, Line and Sink Her said...

This is a snort-laughing-whilst-reading level of brilliant. I am now (almost!) looking forward to the zombie apocalypse; thank you for the stylish-survival tips!

Katie x

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