Saturday night tears

I spent last Saturday night sobbing to my husband.

There are 2 things of which I am certain. He will have an affair and leave me, and I will die early, due to either ovarian or cervical cancer, and my boys will not remember me. My brain is very specific about both of these things.

And I cried and cried because knowing that this is what will happen is so very, very painful and I don't understand why my brain functions this way and I don't know how to change the way I think. It's all too big, too much.

I know I need to take control and there are practical things I can do to help, like booking a smear test and trying to rebuild my flagging self-esteem, but it's an uphill battle when your brain's telling you "what's the point? this won't change anything, there's no point in trying".

The thing is, if I died today, I would look back on my life with regret. It's littered with missed opportunities and inaction. Husband says it's good that I have this knowledge because I can do something about it. But that essential spark that fires you up to try new experiences and follow your dreams is missing and I can't seem to get started.

I look on with envy as family and friends embrace their work, hobbies and pretty much any creative idea that jumps to mind and I think why aren't I doing that? I have ideas. I want to find out what it is I feel really passionate about. I want to create. Why can't I get started?

Logically, I know the only thing that's stopping me is me but how do you get past that? I really need some ideas because I want more out of my life. Seriously, if you have any suggestions, please let me know xx