Today, I'm writing about light in the sense of a lightness of spirit.

Early this morning, something very little and quite inconsequential happened but in that moment, I realised that it's time to stop writing this blog. And a weight lifted.

I'm not intending to stop writing completely. I'm actually in the process of setting up a new blog, which will primarily focus on the books I review, as well as (potentially) some other random stuff. I'm actually really looking forwards to shining a light on the things I enjoy rather than on my inner self. Focusing on things I do rather than dwelling on how I feel is, I think, what I need to be doing right now.

So thank you blog! For the opportunities you gave me and the people I was able to meet through you. But most of all, thank you to YOU; for reading my blog and supporting me when times got tough.

You can still find me on twitter (by clicking here) and  I'll post the details of my new blog once it's up in case you want to take a look.

Until then, goodbye everyone!

I've been feeling in a bit of a blogging rut lately and a bit "meh, what's the point" so last night, I decided to change the look of my blog. I'm hoping the lighter colours and new layout will inspire me to write a lot more.

I know the title of my blog "A Hell Of A Woman" probably seems at odds with the graphic of the tired girl, head slumped in arms, up there in the corner but it felt particularly apt to me. I may be that tired girl at the moment but one day, I will be more. I will be a hell of a woman. It's just taking a little longer than I expected.

I am fortunate to have been awarded the Liebster Blog award twice. Once by More Than A Mum and again by Bluebirdsunshine. Thank you ladies. If you haven't visited either of these blogs before then I really recommend you go ahead and do so.

The More Than A Mum blog is close to my heart as its key message is you can be a brilliant mum whilst keeping your identity as a woman, and this is something I'm trying to achieve at the moment.

Bluebirdsunshine's blog is one that I've discovered more recently but with which I regularly find myself empathising. Blue's honesty really shines through.

The rules of the Liebster Blog award state I now need to pass the award onto 5 other bloggers; each with less than 200 followers. I choose:

Up Yours Gina Ford : because it's impossible to read this and not laugh

Mills And Boon Wannabe: because this is my guilty pleasure

The Life And Times Of The Working Mum : because Laura is lovely and friendly

Cheetahs In My Shoes : because Jenny is an inspiration who also does some phenomenal baking

Chapters Of Claire : because Claire is incredibly funny and friendly and she also has impeccable television viewing tastes

Now go! Visit these blogs and see whether they're for you or not. Then google "Liebster Blog Award" and see whether any of the other blogs that have received this award takes your fancy. I'm going to do the same x

After completing my 12 days of Buffy challenge on Monday, I treated myself to a day off from my blog yesterday and...I felt lost! This really surprised me, as it's not like I don't have anything else to do each day. There's the boys to keep clean, fed, watered and entertained; the house to keep tidy; the dog to walk; and Christmas to prepare for.

Here are some of the highlights of a normal day in my house:

• Drag myself out of bed in the morning after the joy of the baby waking up 2 hourly throughout the night
• Try and fail to have a hot cup of tea
• Get all the basic jobs done (clean the kitchen, hoover, at least 1 load of laundry)
• Deal with the many and varied requests from the toddler and baby
• Breathe a sigh of relief when the toddler has his lunchtime nap and if I've got the timing right, take the baby to bed at the same time so we can both have some more sleep
• Berate myself for failing to devise some innovative and educational way of entertaining the boys/for not taking them out (thus also leading to me berating myself for not walking the dog)/for being quite comatose due to a distinct lack of sleep
• Deal with the inevitable pre-bedtime "excitement"
• Collapse in a stupor in front of the tv once the boys are in bed. Well, I say in bed but the baby's not at that stage yet so my evening's are still spent with one child attached to me
• Try to remind myself that as long as the boys are fed, watered, clean and happy I've done a good job and it's unreasonable to expect myself to be some kind of all-singing all-dancing amazing collectors edition of a mum, especially when the baby's so little
• Get up and do it all again the next day, and the next...
 

Without the focus that the challenge gave me, I achieved nothing but the very, and I mean very, bare minimum yesterday *whispers* and today.

Now whilst there are most definitely times when days like that are needed for our own mental and physical wellbeing, yesterday wasn't one of them. Instead, I was left feeling that my lack of focus prevented me from achieving my normal 'what I'm doing is good enough' mantra and this is most definitely bad.

It seems if I have a "just for myself" goal in a day then I also achieve more in the other areas of my life. This then makes me feel good; in control; capable and successful. In short, I don't feel like a bad mother.

So, I need to get my sense of direction back and what better way to do that than to list here all the blogging things that I need to do now my 12 days of Buffy challenge has finished. Here's my to-do list:

1. Write a guest post for the lovely Cat at Yellow Days
2. Join in with the new I Spy photo meme; that's started over at Mum Of One
3. Accept my Leibster award from Bluebirdsunshine and More Than A Mum
4. Write an "all I want for Christmas" post courtesy of the tag I received from Dorky Mum
5. Get involved in the grooving mums challenge set by Kate On Thin Ice
6. Write an "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" post courtesy of the tag I received from Mummy Mishaps
7. Rewrite the "about me" section of my blog
8. Link my 12 days of Buffy posts to my 12 days of Buffy blog page

I'm going to get started tomorrow so if you catch me dawdling on twitter, give me a prod and send me on my way!

Have you ever felt invisible? What would you do if you were invisible for a day, or longer?

In episode 11 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we discover that Marcie Ross, ignored and treated as though she doesn't exist at school, has actually become invisible. Rather than solving her problems, the continued loneliness and isolation has driven her insane and she plans to horrifically disfigure the most popular girl at school, Cordelia, to make her understand what it's like to be an outcast.

What's interesting about this episode is you start out sympathising with Marcie but by the end, you've seen an unexpected depth and intelligence in Cordelia. She may be the queen bee but hers is still a lonely throne:

Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.

Out of all the episodes I've watched so far, this one best sums up the feelings that led to me starting this blog. Having 2 babies in 2.5 years has been incredibly rewarding but lets face it, it's also been, and still is, extremely exhausting. My life has undergone this huge transformation and even though I knew this would happen, it's still hard to come to terms with.

There's the 'little' things like the physical changes to my body, the postnatel hair loss, the ridiculously dry skin, the fact I haven't worn heels since 2008 and struggle to walk in them now, my limited wardrobe, the lack of inexpensive clothing that's suitable for breastfeeding, not being able to find time to drink a hot cup of tea or to indulge myself in other ways (like a long, luxurious bubble bath).

Then there's the bigger things like the sleep deprivation, loss of privacy, feeling like my body is no longer my own, having no time to pursue my own interests, having no energy to take care of myself and did I mention the lack of sleep?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I find having children all-consuming. I am so busy being a mum that I have no time to be me. I have become invisible to myself.

Feeling that I've lost my identity as a woman is what led me to start blogging and in turn, to set myself the 12 days of Buffy challenge. And let me tell you, it HAS been a challenge! I am shocked at how difficult it has been to find the opportunity to watch one episode of Buffy, in peace, and to cross one thing off my to-do list each day. Then there's writing my daily update, which easily takes me a couple of hours because I'm completely out of practice when it comes to writing and words aren't yet coming easily to me.

I am glad I started this process though. I feel better about myself; I have something to talk about other than my boys and it's good to spend some time doing something that's purely for me each day. Husband says I've been sparkling since starting the challenge and I think that's probably the perfect adjective for how I feel. It certainly encourages me to keep going and gives me faith that I too can be a hell of a woman.

I put my to-do list to one side today and instead concentrated on catching up on some sleep. The baby and I spent a couple of extra hours in bed this morning while husband and toddler entertained each other, and we both felt a lot more well rested for it.

Please keep your fingers crossed for the minimum of night feeds tonight. I'm not naieve enough to think sleeping through is anywhere near being on the cards yet!

Now, before I go and scuttle off to bed, please go and support the rest of #teambuffy: Nyssapod, Chapters of Claire, Made by Tamsin and Margot and Barbara. All of these ladies are working on their own variation of the 12 days of Buffy challenge and I would really appreciate it if you'd give them a boost and tell them they're doing a great job.

See you tomorrow for the grand finale x

It's impossible to write a blog without also venturing into the always welcoming, extremely chatty and sometimes naughty, online blogging community. 

I've been incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to get to know some fascinating people and I hope to get to know a whole lot more.

I've found myself tagged by Jenny at Cheetahs In My Shoes to answer 10 questions about me. Here we go:

1. Describe yourself in 7 words

Quirky, loner, imaginative, affectionate, loyal, colourful, nosey!

2. What keeps you awake at night?

At the moment, it's definitely twitter! However, the baby comes a close second!

3. If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be and why?

Real life:

If he was still alive, I would jump at the chance to be Freddie Mercury for the day. I have (I believe!) every Queen album and have watched many documentaries about them and about Freddie himself. I find him fascinating and would love to have had first-hand experience of what he was like day to day. They are still one of the only bands to which I find myself not only singing along to the words of each song, but also singing Brian's guitar solos. This is my benchmark for a "good" band.

Fictional life:

There are far more fictional characters that I would love to be for a day; most notably Buffy Anne Summers. Yes, I admit it, I'm a sucker for a strong female character who has fight training and weapons!

4. What are you wearing right now?

A black and grey striped jumper, black ski pants, and black and red socks with snowflakes over them. God, I feel bland.

As much as I'd love to look like Sarah Michelle Gellar:

I know my style is actually Sue Heck, a character from the tv programme The Middle:

But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm championing Geek Chic!

5. What scares you?

Creepy crawlies! The thought that a spider could climb into my mouth, or nose, or ear when I'm sleeping and I wouldn't know about it until it was too late!

6. What is the best and worst about blogging?

The best is being able to put my inner thoughts out there and to then find out, I'm not alone and that lots of other people feel the same way I do! I am normal!

The worst is the commitment it takes; however, I don't think I'd feel that way if I didn't feel like I'm spread quite thin at the moment. Finding the time to sit and write is very much a challenge for me and it's not easy trying to type with a snoozy baby laid across my lap!

7. What was the last website you looked at?

It was Etsy - I was hunting around for crafty inspiration amongst people that actually craft and don't just think about it and trawl the net like I do!

8. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

A characteristic : I would change myself from being a procrastinator into a do-er.

Physically : Perter boobs would be lovely. Breastfeeding 2 children is taking its toll.

9. Slankets - Yes or No?

Definitely no. But I would say yes to this: cuddly fleece onesie

10. Tell us something about the person who tagged you

Jenny is a married mum of 2 and responsible for a pair of *whispers* imaginary *speaks normally again* cheetahs. She collects random objects in not one, but many, handbags and bakes delicious cakes that make me drool a lot!

Now to the important bit - the rules

Answer 10 questions, tag someone to do the same. Then come back to the original post by Super Amazing Mum and leave a comment.

I’m going to tag Liz at Margot and Barbara because I've been twittering away to her today and she's lovely and I'd like to find out more about her. Phew! That was a lot of "and's".

Right, I'm off to comment on Super Amazing Mum's post but I'll be back soon xx