Wednesday, 16 May 2012

The keynko zombie survival plan!

When Mary Key responded to my request for guest posters to say her family has a zombie escape plan, there was no way I was going to let her get away with keeping it to herself. So if you haven't yet started to think about what you'll do in the event of an end-of-civilisation-type catastrophe, I'm sure you'll find plenty of (non-human) food for thought here!

For those of you who aren't familiar with Mary, here's a bit about her family in her own words:
The Keynko Collective is a family with odd and eclectic tastes and pastimes. The crafting section is spread over 3 generations of mother, daughter in law and granddaughter. There is also a geek section, an outdoor mountain range branch office in Aberdeenshire and affiliate members spread around the country. Feel free to join us in our blundering attempts at parenthood, being adults, education and life in general. Looking forward to meeting in the ether!!

You can follow the Keynko Collective on twitter and keep up to date with their crafty (and other) shenanigans here on their blog.

Over to you Mary...

To really understand how and why we came up with our plan, you probably need to understand how the Keynko Collective works.

We have friends and family spread far and wide across this great nation and so many hours of holidays are spent in traffic jams and thundering along motorways with nothing much on the radio. On trips as far flung as South Wales and Inverness, when we are bored of singing, we plot and plan the future - how would we spend a huge lottery win? If we could go anywhere in the world where would it be? How we would organise our own country if we owned one? Did Cromwell have the right idea about the monarchy? Does anyone actually like Bruce Forsyth? How would we survive the zombie apocalypse? and so on and so on.

When a family comprises of geeks, wargamers, Sci-fi enthusiasts and children with vivid imaginations - these discussions are long and complex and sometimes involve diagrams!

So the zombie plan....

Allowing of course for our survival during the initial onslaught, (would love to throw my neighbours to the horde, retribution for the drilling and drunken rows at all times of the day and night but we may not be that lucky!) we plan to move our family and selected friends to a better location for longer term survival and rebuilding of society - Mad Max-ish but without the drunken behaviour and antisemitism.

Our advantage, I hope, comes from the fact that we live in a house full of hobbies. Therefore a wide selection of medieval weaponry and armour is available for defense. We also live in a terraced house (hence the neighbour issue) so it is possible to move from house to house without leaving the building by simply going through the loft and past the frankly shoddily built fire wall. We then have access to other peoples larders and exit routes! All supposing of course that the locals have been bumped off - and to be fair they're pretty stupid so it’s not hard to imagine!

The plan is really to head for in laws house. They have an easily defendable position and being rural, less population etc. This is also the meeting point for those other members of the group before phase 2 begins.

Once at in laws, stock up on supplies, tools (as father-in-law has a huge collection of tools (aka weapons) if needed) and a chain saw and head for the river which is fairly close by.
With a large population of London barges close on hand we make for the sea and away from the zombies. To be honest none of us have any sailing experience, but how hard can it be? I’m also figuring that Zombie fear will be a great incentive to learn, and FAST!

Friends have been chosen for a variety of reasons, strength, skills - builders, engineers, nurses, fitness levels, aim with a cross bow etc etc.

We then head north - staying close to the coast so we can, if needed, go ashore for supplies and of course for navigation and after a brief stop at Aberdeen to collect my son and his university friends (rugby and hockey teams would be favourite) on we go.

We are heading for north of Inverness where we have friends. They have a good view of the firth from the house so we can signal our arrival. Once there, we have an easily defended position, a very small population (so less chance of being over taken), land to grow crops etc and a selection of people to protect us, build defenses, grow food, clothe us, nurse us, cannon fodder (rugby and hockey teams!). We also have an ex-royal marine commando - what more could we need???

I am being told at this point that dear husband has already informed the friends we are going to what the plan is and the signals we will give as we enter the firth so they know it’s us coming! Not that we over think these things at all!

The plan has evolved over many boring car journeys and several late night silly conversations and I’m sure will change again. Any suggestions are gratefully received as are applications to the new commune which will begin in Scotland.

On thinking about it maybe we should take more cannon fodder, do you think the cast of TOWIE fancy a trip to Inverness?????

But like my esteemed host here, I doubt I could out run them in the first place, and how would I manage the physical tortures of the boat trip, or hard life ahead. Whilst I have lost weight in the last year, there is no fitness or muscle worth talking of (other than in my texting thumb of course!), so inspired by her example I too am going for the C25k programme - in the interest of survival!

Maybe we should add her to the list of people we’re taking?! Slayer - can you sail a boat, or milk a cow???????


Katriina said...

I particularly loved the "Keep Calm and Kill Zombies" poster!!

The Last Slayer said...

I knew the whole "Keep Calm and..." slogan was really popular so shouldn't have really been surprised that it extended to zombies! I wonder what other versions are out there?!

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