Friday, 11 May 2012

The soundtrack to YOUR apocalypse

One of the things I love about twitter is the ease with which you can connect and chat with people who share the same interests as yourself and my guest poster today is one of those people.

Rob and I started out exchanging tweets about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which then progressed to other tv programmes and films. So when I decided to start my Grr Argh Challenge and temporarily dedicate my blog to all things fitness and zombie-related, I knew I wanted him to write a guest post for me. Lucky me, he agreed.

Rob blogs here and you can find him on twitter here and on facebook here. Just don't ask him about his views on twilight!

Anyway, enough from me, over to you Rob... 

Zombies. How can they be that threatening? I mean really, they're dead, so plus one for you straight away if you aren't one of them; they're rotting and falling apart and hopefully you aren't unless you are some form of leper. They don't possess the higher brain power that you, me and anyone else who hasn't appeared on a daytime chat show does so ideally we should be able to outsmart them.

But wait. They don't need to sleep. They're hungry buggers that's for sure, and I'm pretty certain a 6 Nugget extra value meal from MacDonald's won't satisfy them. They're relentless, and unfortunately, they're gonna have the numbers. Let's say you live in Leeds. Leeds has a population of 500,000. Then, 90% of the population get infected and become 'Dead Heads'. Those sheer numbers suck. That means you're gonna have to do an awful lot of legging it.

So this is where "Zombieland's" number one rule kicks in. Cardio. I'm a slight chunky monkey, therefore if I can do up a mobility scooter before the wrath of the undead are unleashed upon the world, I'll be good. However, if you like your survival chances to be a little bit more natural, a tad more predator/prey than shambling corpse + car = splat, then cardio is for you.

You're going to need to shift it between safe houses, shopping malls and possibly to a boat (Seeing as how being on a cruise liner in the middle of the ocean would prove to be a much safer place to be than say in the middle of the dales, with no petrol, no food, only a lighter; a half eaten snickers bar; a rolled up copy of the daily mail as a weapon and a looted copy of Twilight to keep you sane whilst the population of Blackburn is romper stompering after you for a light snack) and therefore being fit, having suitable stamina and an iPod full of zombie ass kicking and leg pumping tunage is a necessity.

Therefore, what would be your top ten, "Imma runnin' for my life from the walking dead" songs to get you from Greggs to JJB Sports to a safe place? Since this is me writing, I'm going to treat you to mine.

In at ten, like a banjo to a decomposing face, "Metallica - Seek and Destroy" with it's heavy riffs, James Hetfields gruff, gravelly vocals and neat Kirk Hammett solo, what better way to pummel your way through hordes of the great undead (or unwashed if you live in a University town) and pound some pavement than to 80's thrash?

Number nine on my Zombie Holocaust soundtrack for the end of days would definitely have to be "The Misfits - Scream". If I'm jogging for my life, which admittedly, would be the only time you would fine me jogging, and I'm pretty scared, I may as well express my fear through a song about being afraid.

Shuffling in at number eight, would have to be "Kernkraft 400's - Zombie Nation" with it's beat and punchy repetitive vocals of "Zombie" it would definitely serve it's purpose to get you a) doing your cardio and b) remembering you're in a zombie holocaust.

Urghhhhing around at number 7 is Harry Belafonte with Zombie Jamboree, yes that's right, some good ole Caribbean zombie beats. I mean, just because the dead are chomping down on the living and there's no internet or living TV to watch re-runs of Maury on, doesn't mean you can't break out the BBQ and get slightly lashed on Rum. In all honesty I think there's no better time.

At number 666 on the zombie survival playlist of magnificence (Nothing like being self important!) goes to those Ska loving, quirky punksters, The Aquabats with "Fashion Zombies", a song resplendent with quirky keys, quirky vocals, a nice quirky riff and quirky harmonies. In short, it's quirky, fun and cheesy as hell.

No zombie soundtrack would be complete without a nod towards a George A Romero film, so this is where The Murderdolls' "Dawn of the Dead" drops in at number 5. Yes, Schlock rock, with shoutyness, guitars and a tongue firmly planted in cheek.

"But wait Rob. This soundtrack seems to have a very rock/guitar/shouty/rahrahrah kind of vibe to it" I hear you cry! Well fear not intrepid reader, unless there's an undead ghoul drooling down your window holding a sign requesting you come outside for a cat scan, then fear away, but fear not! Number four on this list goes to none other than Michael "Shamone" Jackson and "Thriller". Yes, you can shuffle your way round the hordes of rotting monstrosities whilst simultaneously getting them to shuffle along with you, hand claps and all.

Okay, so blatant piece of cheese over and done with, number three on the list. And it's a return to the divine secrets of the Rahrahrah sisterhood with "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie. Yes, the bearded lover of all things weird, wonderful and down right out there makes it into my list. And if you really get off on the whole zombie thing (anyone who has watched "Zombie Strippers" would agree) it could always be used for some zombie themed lap dance. If you're that way inclined. You freak.

Let's think carefully now. The population has been slightly decimated a little bit (complete understatement Rob I hear you say) and the streets a wee bit empty. There's no cars. No trains. No planes. No cyclists. No annoying teenagers listening to repetitive "umpcha umpcha umpcha" music on the backs of buses. Heck, there's no buses. Just the distant groans and moans of the living dead in the distance. It's almost like the place where you live is a... "Ghosttown" by the Specials. Yes, a lil bit of two tone for this playlist wouldn't go amiss. With a haunting trumpet and nicely punctuated brass section, you can skank your way through the city streets, contemplating nicking Sony Bravia's and watching DVD's of Friends, Seinfeld or Buffy whilst the minions of the underworld shuffle about the place in your own post-apocalyptic world. And people say I'm a pessimist.

Let's hear that drum roll, or a head roll if you're morbid. Number one. the song above all other's that's a pre-requisite for the Zombie Apocalypse. The crap has hit the fan. Life's a bit more brutal, perhaps shorter. But don't worry, always look on the bright side of life...

And it's with a whistle at my lips, a smile on my face and a sturdy cricket bat in my hands that I shall leave you. Use this list, or make your own, and when the zombies come, keep your wits about you. Good night, and good luck. (Insert evil Vincent Price laugh here...).

Rob Draugr is a Zombie nut, a 27 year old child with a liking for video games, movies, good quality TV shows and books. He's the size of a small elephant, with the bladder of a peanut. He currently resides in Yorkshire, but classifies himself as SouthernBrummieEastAnglianYorkshireman and quite enjoys a cup of tea and a digestive once in a while. If you enjoy his ramblings, then check him out at his Blog here and let him know what you think.


Katriina said...

Hmm! I would also have included the Guns n Roses version of "Live and Let Die", but that's just me :)
Great post!

Tom Foolery said...

This is the beauty of soundtracks :) Make your own and let me know what would be in it

The Last Slayer said...

My husband has just started putting together some playlists for me to run to. I've been really surprised to find a lot of the songs I love are to slow for running, even though they don't sound it. Thank goodness for Iron Maiden and "Run to the Hills". I think that will have to go on my soundtrack!

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