Friday, 4 May 2012

Surviving the zombie apocalypse...

I have a brand, shiny new blogger for your delectation today!

Ed is a proud dad of 1 oversized and amazingly cute 8 month old baby boy. (He really is cute by the way - check him out in Ed's profile picture and read more about him in this post here).

Ed is a brand new daddy blogger, having only just started his blog The Daddy Adventure on 15 April 2012. His other half also blogs over at The Mummy Adventure where you can find more cute pics of baby Dylan to coo over!

You can find Ed on twitter here and his other half Bex can be found on twitter here. Go show them both some blogging love.

In his own words "I am 28 and plan to live forever". Now that's a plan.

As a Dad, I know the importance of living forever.  And as I haven't yet taken out any kind of life cover I have to be well prepared for all things that come my way, to ensure I don't bite the dust (dust is largely made up of dead skin.... mmm tasty dead skin...).

The rise of zombies is something that has been picking up pace over the last decade.  As with most virus related illnesses, it has a snowballing effect.  The more people that get the virus, the more people there are to spread the virus.  And as you know, catching the zombie virus is a lot worse than getting flu (with the exception of man flu which is the worst illness in the world). 

As with flu, there is a peak period every year where it spreads faster.  Every June there are hoards of zombies passing through on what can only be seen as some kind of pilgrimage through Canterbury.  Proof of this is easily found on youtube and google (search 'canterbury zombie').

So the end is nigh, and much nigher than you think.  By my recent calculations (I have a scientific calculator!) I estimate that this June there will be a big jump in the zombie population, however the following June is when the nutella sausages hit the fan!  You have 14 months to prepare.  You have been warned.

There are many thoughts on the effects of zombies on society as a whole.  Zombies, as with all humans, will benefit greatly from the human rights act (which they are rightly entitled to).  You should not be prejudice against zombies, just as you should not be racist.  Don't be racist.  Don't be zombiest.  There are recent cases that have shown some zombies are hard workers, and can be kept in a similar way as a pet.  One example of this is Billy Connolly.

Other zombies are very athletic and some of them will be pushing for gold in the olympics this summer.  Many of the extras from the film 28 days later are very good sprinters.  Usain Bolt has denied recent rumours that he too is a zombie.

Some zombies are also full of charm, and are good at politics.  Look how successful Boris Johnson has become.  A true idol for all zombies.

However, as with the youth of today, the majority of zombies are smelly, loud, obnoxious, and hang around in the middle of the street at all times of the day trying to chew on people.  These antisocial zombies are the ones you will need to be careful around.  Here are a few tips on how to survive in a world where zombies share our streets.

1 - Carry weapons.  Any weapon that can do serious bludgeoning to the head is good, such as a mace, or perhaps a baseball bat.  Weapons that can decapitate are good.  But please ensure you have had training by a professional before using such weapons, as you may injure yourself.  Guns are effective, but they are expensive to purchase and maintain.  Again, please have training to use such weapons, as you wouldn't want to miss and shoot your mum in the face.  She would not be best pleased, would she?

2 - Get fit.  Its embarrassing being outrun by a zombie, as well as fatal.  Like the host of this site, you may want to embark on a self improvement program such as the couch to 5k challenge.  I have recently tried this, and found it much quicker and effective to use transport (see how I've got on with my own fitness regime here).  Running 5k is not a pleasant experience.  Always have your car keys in your pocket, or your bicycle near by.  Never go out without them. 

3 - Barricade yourself at home.  Alternatively, you may decide getting fit is not for you.  In which case please hire a handyman to border up your windows and doors.  Solid wood and metal is preferable.

4 - If you have any elderly relatives, it is recommended that you call them before visiting.  The elderly are very susceptible to viruses such as the zombie virus.  If you turn up unannounced, it can be very hard to tell if they have the virus, as elderly people share many of the same symptoms.  You don't want to find yourself in an awkward situation where you may need to shoot your own mum, like Simon Pegg had to.

5 - If you have any children, you should educate them to say no to zombies.  Please keep your child on a leash at all time.  A scared child can often react badly to seeing a zombie, and you do not want them to run in to the road from fright.

For more detailed information on the symptoms of the zombie virus, please contact your local health service.

Remember that zombies are slow.  They cannot swim, but equally they cannot drown.  So being in a boat is a fairly safe place.  Just ensure you are not in shallow waters. 

I will be panic buying bread and milk from May 2013, and moving on to a yacht.  I suggest you do the same.

Bon voyage, humans!


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