Before I start, can I just warn you I've lost my blogging mojo. It's gone completely AWOL and shows no sign of reappearing in the near future. So, if this post is a disjointed mass of ramblings, I apologise and if you can send some coherent writing vibes to me, I'd really appreciate it.
As mentioned in my previous post here, I'm not right in myself at the moment. I'm not even sure if I can put into words what that sentence actually means but if I'm honest, at the time of writing that post, I was at a real low. I felt like I'd suddenly dropped into some kind of black hole that had sucked all the joy and life out of me, and it scared me.
I phoned my doctors and booked an appointment to talk about my worries. My usual doctor wasn't available so I reluctantly accepted an appointment with one I'd never met before as I knew if I didn't, I'd back out and end up keeping everything bottled up tight within me.
You hear stories about draconian doctors with little compassion and understanding for mental health issues and I was concerned about what I'd let myself for in. Fortunately, the doctor I saw was calm and sympathetic and importantly, he didn't flinch when I produced the 2 pages of "symptoms", some physical and others emotional/mental, I'd scribbled down whilst sat in the waiting room.
The doctor listened and then agreed in a very non judgmental way that there were issues we needed to look into. The fact he said "we" and not "he" made me feel positive. I was being included and would have some form of control over whatever plan of action was constructed.
Step 1 : a blood test to find out if my feelings were as a result of low iron levels/an underactive thyroid/diabetes/liver function/kidney function. There's probably more but I can't remember.
Step 2 : treatment for anything flagged up by the test or, if nothing, consider different PND treatments.
That brings us up to last Tuesday when I had the joy of a fasting blood test. If you haven't had one of these before, it differs from a normal blood test in that you're not allowed to eat or drink in the 12 hours before it. For me, this was hard, as lately I seem to have a voracious appetite and I NEVER go that long without food.
I had 4 vials of blood taken from my left arm and have a lovely purple bruise as proof of my bravery. I considered taking a photo of it but it's Friday now so it looks much less impressive than it did!
The results should be in next week and until they are, I'm trying to manage myself the best I can while ignoring the little voice in my head that's telling me I'm a failure and a bad mother.
There's really not much more I can say.
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19 comments:
Now let's clear up a couple of things straight away. Failure? What have you failed at? Nothing! You've felt rubbish and you've done something about it. Sounds more like success to me. And Bad Mother; why? Have you starved the kids? Have you taught them to shoplift? Have you left them alone in front of an open fire? No, I didn't think so. You've done exactly the right thing, something that takes some courage because it's always a bit scary thinking what might turn up. Good for you, and good luck.
I could do with having your voice programmed into my head. Rationally I know you're right. I just need to find a way to say it a bit more convincingly.
You are a million miles away from being a bad mother. For one thing bad mothers don't worry that they're bad mothers, they're far too busy doing bad mother things. You on the other hand are lovely and the love you have for your boys comes across so clearly.
It's hard speaking up and taking that first step, but you've done it and that's no small feaf
I agree with what mills and boon said. You're not a failure or a bad mother, that's the voice of pnd (if that's what it turns out to be) talking.
Thank you both x I know what you're saying is right, I just need to be able to know it all the time if you see what I mean xx
It's fantastic that you reached out for help. Congratulations for taking such a positive and productive step. I have my fingers crossed for you that the blood tests give some clear clues about how you can get your mojo back!
Meanwhile (and here I'm just guessing that you live somewhere northerly that is dark and cold at the moment), have you thought about getting one of those super-bright lights for the winter? We invested in one this year, and I can't tell you how much it has improved our wintery well-being over last year (when literally even the kids had the blues by January). Just a suggestion, since I was amazed how well it worked for me and my family.
*big hugs* you know you're not a failure or a bad mum, You're a fabulous woman who has achieved a lot and love your kids.
Well done for going to the drs, I hope the bruise on your arm gets better quickly! xx
I'm in the West Midlands Katriina but it is pretty glum, weather wise, here. My husband does have one of those light boxes so I'll have to give it a go. Thank you for the tip and the support x
Thank you MM, I'll gladly accept those hugs xx
*massive hugs* - and a zillion barrels of good vibes heading in your direction. To have the courage to get to the Drs and articulate/write your worries and symptoms shows you're amazing - never doubt it, even when the world is whirling x
Thank you CK's mum xx I'm glad I did it and feel like I'll be able to start moving forwards once the results are in.
hey you, gloves off to you lady for reaching out and not keeping it all in. Little steps now but all in the right direction now..!! Oh and if you ever need cheering up you know where to find me for a verse!! Massif hugs to you missy Xx
I know exactly where your coming from I felt the same as you. I started to write to you a reply but it got a bit long so wiped it. Honestly it will get better your no failure it's just a phase take each day as it comes, slow down and you will win slowly in 6 months I bet your feel a change to the better. Big hugs and your a brave woman for sharing xxx
Thank you x Keep yout lute at the ready just in case!
Thank you Helen, I really appreciate your words and the advice to slow down. I do feel like the days are passing in a blur and I'm not getting any chance to enjoy them so slowing down would be a help I think x
I love your blog for many reasons... with just a few reasons being that it is inspiring, honest, heartfelt & real. A reflection of you. How can that be a failure? Take what time and help you need to fight this demon. Sending cyber hugs your way. xo
Thank you Misha (for this and your twitter message) x Your hugs are gratefully accepted xx
Just popped by and wanted to offer a friendly hello! Sorry you are feeling low at the moment and hope it passes really soon :) You have a great blog! I love it. Thanks for mentioning my post on twitter, my twitter is down at the moment so I can't post a thank you right now. Speak soon! L x
Thanks for popping along. I'll keep my eye out for you on twitter so we can have a proper chat :-)
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