One of the goals mentioned in my previous post Missing : a sense of direction was to join the grooving mums, which is captained by Kate over at Kate On Thin Ice. The perfect opportunity arose when Kate tagged me to take a look back over 2011 and share my highs and lows. 

The "rules" are :

1. Answer the 12 questions set by Kate

2. Tag as few or as many people as you like to do the same

3. Leave a comment on Kate's original post here so she can have a read of your answers

1. What was your happiest event?

There wasn't one overshadows-all-others happiest event this year but some of my high points were:

My first son : seeing him take his first steps; seeing his confidence grow; hearing his first words; watching his relationships with others develop.

My second son : his birth; his first smile; watching his personality develop; watching the bond with his brother grow.

My husband : passing a particularly difficult exam; significantly improving his health and fitness by losing 7.5 stone since April 2010 and by maintaining his new healthy eating and exercise regime.

2. What was the saddest thing to happen?

Although not an actual event, I think it was the moment I realised the way I've been feeling isn't right. I hesitate to use the words postnatal depression because I don't know if I am or if I'm just sleep deprived. Whatever it may be, I'm off to see my doctor this week to talk about my physical and emotional issues.

3. What was the most unlikely thing to happen that actually went ahead and did?

I had a gut feeling my second son would be born before his due date. What I didn't expect was for him to arrive 3 weeks early and for the labour to be so quick that I delivered him in our en suite bathroom before the paramedics had chance to arrive. Very unlikely and not an experience I'm keen to repeat!

4. Who let you down?

Without wanting to go into any detail, I was let down in the sense there was an occasion where I was misjudged and never given the chance to give "my side of the story". I did, and still do, feel incredibly saddened by the whole thing.

5. Who supported you?

My husband was my greatest source of support. He did everything he could to help make my life easier when I was pregnant and after the birth, when I was establishing breastfeeding. He regularly reminds me that this tough baby stage will soon pass and I'll be able to do things for myself again before I know it.

6. Tell us one thing you learned

Giving birth without any pain relief is not for me!

7. Tell us one thing that made you laugh

My first son learning to say "mummy/daddy/nanny did it". The funny thing is the way he looks around the room to assess who isn't there before promptly proclaiming that they did it.

8. Tell us one thing that made you cry

Lots of things made me cry. I can safely say it wasn't my year physically or mentally/emotionally and I'm sad about that. I really want 2012 to be different.

9. Tell us three things your child or children did to make you feel proud

I can't narrow it down. They're so little that everything and anything they do makes me proud.

10. Tell us one thing that made you proud of yourself

I know the answer should be giving birth but weirdly, I feel particularly proud that I started and completed my 12 days of Buffy challenge, as it's well known that both starting and finishing projects is not one of my strong points.

11. Tell us one challenge you overcame

I made it through the year without having any kind of breakdown.

12. Tell us three things you would like to change about your life in 2011

• I would like to sort out my physical health issues.
• I would like to find and embrace a healthier and more balanced mental/emotional state.
• I would like to make some space in my life that's just for me.

I'm now going to tag the following bloggers to see what they want to share about 2011:

Liz at Margot And Barbara

Mistress Mummy

Kate at Life, Love And Living With Boys

Jude at Jude Wharton

Karen at Missing Sleep

Otilia at Romanian Mum

It's been 14 years since season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and 12 years since I first watched it. Tonight, as I did all those years ago, I cried.

In this season finale episode, Buffy found out it was prophecised she would face the Master and die.

I cried because for once, Buffy was afraid. She didn't want to die and as any 16 year old would, she wanted to run away and hide.

I cried because those who cared about her tried to protect her and prevent her death.

I cried because the responsibility of being the slayer was a heavy and unshakeable weight on Buffy's shoulder.

I cried because Buffy was prepared to sacrifice her own life to save everyone else.

I cried when Buffy realised that if she had run away and hidden, rather than facing the Master, the prophecy would never have come to pass.

I cried when Buffy died and Xander brought her back to life using CPR.

I cried when Buffy defeated the Master.

And then I cried when, from the look in her eyes, it was apparent her victory had come at a price and the usually unflappable Buffy was in fact very shaken by all that had happened.

Yes, there were a lot of tears. Yes, I probably am quite loopy for how emotionally involved I was and  still am with this programme. Yes, I'm fully aware it's not real. BUT, all of those emotions translate into real life, and into my life.

I never particularly thought about my own mortality until I had children. Now I am scared by death. I don't want to leave my boys without a mother or my husband without his wife. I don't want to die.

This feeling extends to my wider family as well. Recently my mum and dad have been making Wills and asked whether there is anything I would like as a keepsake to remember them by. I can't think about this. I don't want my mum and dad to die. I want them to be around forever.

I may not be a slayer but the responsibility of being a mum weighs heavily on me at times. It is scary to know I will play a huge part in shaping my childrens' characters and that I therefore need to lead by example. It is even scarier to know I am prepared to make whatever sacrifices may be needed to ensure their happiness and security and to protect them from any pain and hurt. After all, there will inevitably be times in their lives when this is impossible.

I will be honest there are times when the pressures of being a mum makes me want to run away. Days when no matter how hard I try, I feel as though I'm not good enough. I'll keep battling though. I'm not prepared to give in.

I may have watched 1 episode of Buffy each day for 12 days and I may have written a blog post on each of those days but did I manage to cross 12 tasks off my to-do list?

The short answer is no; I only completed 11. However, the longer answer says you know what? it doesn't matter. The journey really has been more important than whether I passed or failed the challenge. This is what I learnt along the way:

• It is difficult, but not impossible, to find a minimum of an hour each day that's just for me.
 
• Sometimes life gets in the way of your plans. When this happens, don't stress or think of yourself as a failure, just let it go and move those plans to another day. Tomorrow's another day and flexibility is definitely needed when you have children.
 
• I am not alone in how I feel. It's incredibly liberating to realise that other women feel the same way I do. Not just about being a mum but about other things like keeping the house in some kind of order and finding time for yourself.
 
• When I set my mind to something, I can see it through. I'm not the procrastinator I thought I was.
 
• I don't have writer's block after all. I just needed to write! And I'm loving it!
 
• Having something that's just for me makes me sparkle. I feel more interesting and other people respond to that.
 
• I really , REALLY love Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

 

This may be the end of this challenge but on the whole, I feel really excited because as any Buffy fan knows, season 1 may have laid the groundwork but season 2 is when it all really kicks off! Bring it on, I say.

Thank you everyone for following me over the last 12 days and for your support, compassion, understanding and compliments. You've helped to spur me on, given me confidence in what I'm doing and you've also surprised me - there are a lot more Buffy fans out there than I thought there would be!

Taking up the mantle of this challenge was Nyssapod from minibreakmummy and Claire from Chapters of Claire. A big congratulations to both of you on completing the challenge! We did it! If you haven't had chance yet, please pop over to their blogs and read about their experiences.

Finally, inspired by this challenge to set their own challenges was Tamsin from Made by Tamsin and Liz from Margot and Barbara. My challenge may have finished but theirs is still ongoing so please keep checking in with them both and offering your support.

We saved the world! I say we party!

Have you ever felt invisible? What would you do if you were invisible for a day, or longer?

In episode 11 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we discover that Marcie Ross, ignored and treated as though she doesn't exist at school, has actually become invisible. Rather than solving her problems, the continued loneliness and isolation has driven her insane and she plans to horrifically disfigure the most popular girl at school, Cordelia, to make her understand what it's like to be an outcast.

What's interesting about this episode is you start out sympathising with Marcie but by the end, you've seen an unexpected depth and intelligence in Cordelia. She may be the queen bee but hers is still a lonely throne:

Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.

Out of all the episodes I've watched so far, this one best sums up the feelings that led to me starting this blog. Having 2 babies in 2.5 years has been incredibly rewarding but lets face it, it's also been, and still is, extremely exhausting. My life has undergone this huge transformation and even though I knew this would happen, it's still hard to come to terms with.

There's the 'little' things like the physical changes to my body, the postnatel hair loss, the ridiculously dry skin, the fact I haven't worn heels since 2008 and struggle to walk in them now, my limited wardrobe, the lack of inexpensive clothing that's suitable for breastfeeding, not being able to find time to drink a hot cup of tea or to indulge myself in other ways (like a long, luxurious bubble bath).

Then there's the bigger things like the sleep deprivation, loss of privacy, feeling like my body is no longer my own, having no time to pursue my own interests, having no energy to take care of myself and did I mention the lack of sleep?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I find having children all-consuming. I am so busy being a mum that I have no time to be me. I have become invisible to myself.

Feeling that I've lost my identity as a woman is what led me to start blogging and in turn, to set myself the 12 days of Buffy challenge. And let me tell you, it HAS been a challenge! I am shocked at how difficult it has been to find the opportunity to watch one episode of Buffy, in peace, and to cross one thing off my to-do list each day. Then there's writing my daily update, which easily takes me a couple of hours because I'm completely out of practice when it comes to writing and words aren't yet coming easily to me.

I am glad I started this process though. I feel better about myself; I have something to talk about other than my boys and it's good to spend some time doing something that's purely for me each day. Husband says I've been sparkling since starting the challenge and I think that's probably the perfect adjective for how I feel. It certainly encourages me to keep going and gives me faith that I too can be a hell of a woman.

I put my to-do list to one side today and instead concentrated on catching up on some sleep. The baby and I spent a couple of extra hours in bed this morning while husband and toddler entertained each other, and we both felt a lot more well rested for it.

Please keep your fingers crossed for the minimum of night feeds tonight. I'm not naieve enough to think sleeping through is anywhere near being on the cards yet!

Now, before I go and scuttle off to bed, please go and support the rest of #teambuffy: Nyssapod, Chapters of Claire, Made by Tamsin and Margot and Barbara. All of these ladies are working on their own variation of the 12 days of Buffy challenge and I would really appreciate it if you'd give them a boost and tell them they're doing a great job.

See you tomorrow for the grand finale x

When it came to men, I was a living, breathing, walking cliche. Tall, dark and handsome - yes please! Full of angst - send him my way! And then I met my husband.

The night we met I was on a work colleague's hen night. It was in no way the raucous affair I'd expected and was instead an opportunity for the bride-to-be to spend quality time catching up with family and old friends over a very civilised meal.

Myself and 2 other girls (we'll call them T and F) were made to feel quite unwelcome so we politely made our excuses and then headed off to pour copious amounts of alcohol down our throats!

One of the pubs that we visited was a popular drinking spot and had 2 doormen stood outside of it. Doormen make me very nervous, as I'm always expecting them to ID me and/or not let me in. Fortunately T knew one of them from school so after a quick chat, we made our way inside with no hassle.

After enjoying a drink, we made our way over to one of the clubs in the town we were in and after queuing for ages, we were disappointed to be refused entry as we couldn't prove we were over 25. We weren't over 25 but that's not the point!

We randomly chose another club to go to and hadn't been in there long before the doorman T knew came in, along with 2 of his friends who she also remembered from school. Our 2 groups ended up mingling and from the moment I made eye contact with the doorman - POW! - I knew I was in trouble! The energy between us was crackling and there was an immediate connection.

You'll be surprised to hear then that when I left, it was without leaving my telephone number for Mr doorman. Before that night, I'd been deliberately single for a year so I could focus on myself and in spite of our connection, I was happy being on my own and didn't want to start a new relationship.

I can still remember how frustrated and disappointed I felt the next day when T text me to say Mr doorman had tracked down her telephone number in order to find out mine. All I could think was that I wasn't looking forward to having to tell him I wasn't interested in a relationship when he contacted me.

He did telephone me and obviously, I didn't turn him down. Instead, I started a new chapter in my life; the biggest one to date.

When we talk about that night, there are so many what ifs. What if I hadn't left the meal? what if T hadn't been out with us? what if we hadn't been turned away from the club? what if he'd gone straight home after his shift finished? what if he and his friends had chosen a different club?

I truly believe that the universe conspired to have me meet the man who, 6 years later, would become my husband. And after 9 years together, I still feel blessed that that evening worked out the way it did as I find it impossible to imagine not being with him. Okay, so we're not star-crossed lovers like Buffy and Angel are but to me, the height and depth of our love would give them a run for their money any day!

Today, I've completed  95% of the paperwork filing, which leaves me with the following:

• Finish filing away the paperwork
• Put locks on all the "un-safe" drawers/cupboards
• Sort out the big box of books that's been sat in the conservatory for the last 3 years
• Tidy and organise my craft table so if I wanted to, I could actually use it
• Declutter the bedroom
• Put locks on the bedside drawers
• Make the boys some fleece trousers
• Do some batch cooking
• Finish the Christmas shopping

And the biggest one of all:

• Declutter and clean the spare bedroom before decorating it ready for the toddler to move into after his Boxing day birthday. The baby will then move into the nursery

Visit the rest of #teamBuffy?

To find out Nyssapod's thoughts on "Angel", head on over to minibreakmummy. Please also show her some support for her own to-do list that she's started to tackle.

After that, head on over to Chapters of Claire . Claire is being hard on herself at the moment because she hasn't had an opportunity to do a day 6 or day 7 blog post yet. You guys offered such fantastic support to me when I felt I'd failed the challenge so please do the same for her. Claire, sometimes life gets in the way of our best intentions - just catch up when you can.

Next, go and visit Made by Tamsin and read her posts here and here. Tamsin has challenged herself to write a post for every day of the advent calendar. However, she was unexpectedly ill yesterday and couldn't blog. Even though she's posted twice today to "make up for it", please go and remind her to take care of herself and to get better soon.

Finally, pop over to Margot and Barbara to read how Liz is feeling inspired to tidy and sort her house, starting with her bedroom. Welcome to the challenge Liz!

Join In!

As I've been saying every day so far, there's still time for you to join #teambuffy and jump into the 5 remaining days of this challenge (oh my god! over half way already!). You don't have to be a fan of Buffy - you just have to have a desire to get rid of some of those jobs you've been putting off for a while. If I can do it so can you!

See you tomorrow x

After yesterday's disappointment and the resultant big knock to my confidence, I woke up today determined to be kinder to myself, write yesterday off as a blip and not to be too quick to concede defeat.

For a change, I tackled my to-do list first and I managed to change the whole look of our dining room table from this:

To this:

I've also banned everyone in the house from putting anything on it EVER AGAIN!

I waited until the evening to settle down to watch episode 5 "never kill a boy on the first date" of Buffy's first season. Husband was out at muay thai, toddler was up in bed attempting to sleep (his monologue down the baby monitor was quite entertaining) and baby was latched on snoozing. All of which equalled peace at last for me!

Now this episode never springs to mind whenever I think about the opening season of Buffy even though it does serve to further the story arc about the Master's fiendish plans to escape his supernatural prison and cause chaos, yadda, yadda, yadda. Because of this, I was looking forward to watching it with fresh eyes and being able to astound you all with my amazing insights.

What actually happened was less than a 1/4 of the way into the episode, I spied Buffy wearing the most fabulous animal print hooded jacket and I then spent the next 2 hours trawling around the net desperately trying to find an image of it to show you. And not just any image, but one that will do its quirky cosy snugness true justice.

Unfortunately, this was the best I could do:



I cannot tell you how much I love this jacket. If I was a jacket, I would be this one without a doubt in my mind.

In the past, I had a tradition that I would get a new coat on my birthday. Well, it's been a few years since I've done this. In fact, the last time must've been in 2007, as I started on the pregnancy rollercoaster in 2008, and I suspect it was the whole baby bump/lack of funds combo that caused the tradition to stop.

I'm not great at shopping for clothes but I love shopping for a coat. I always know when I've found the right one because I can feel it speaking to me. Choosing a coat has always been one of the ways in which I've expressed my personality and I can't believe I'd forgotten that!

As from today, the yearly coat buying tradition is reinstated!

Yay, I just found a piece of me and it's all down to Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

This is what's left on my to-do list:

• File away all the paperwork
• Put locks on all the "un-safe" drawers/cupboards
• Sort out the big box of books that's been sat in the conservatory for the last 3 years
• Tidy and organise my craft table so if I wanted to, I could actually use it
• Declutter the bedroom
• Put locks on the bedside drawers
• Make the boys some fleece trousers
• Do some batch cooking
• Do the Christmas shopping

And the biggest one of all:

• Declutter and clean the spare bedroom before decorating it ready for the toddler to move into after his Boxing day birthday. The baby will then move into the nursery

Visit the rest of #teamBuffy?

To find out Nyssapod's thoughts on "never  kill a boy on the first date", head on over to Audioboo. You can also follow Nyssapod's progress at minibreakmummy. Starting from tomorrow, you'll also be able to follow Nyssapod via her written blog as she tackles her own to-do list. Keep showing her lots of support.

Don't forget to visit Chapters of Claire to find out how Claire's getting on with her to-do list.

 

And after that, go and visit Made by Tamsin who, inspired by this 12 days of Buffy challenge, has challenged herself to publish a post every day of the advent calendar.

Join In!

 

Finally, and as I've been saying every day so far, there's still time for you to join #teambuffy and jump into the 7 remaining days of this challenge. You don't have to be a fan of Buffy - you just have to have a desire to get rid of some of those jobs you've been putting off for a while. If I can do it so can you!

 

See you tomorrow x

I thought, with today being Saturday, it'd be a doddle to complete day 3 of my 12 days of Buffy challenge. How wrong was I?!

The combination of a disrupted night's sleep, a nap-resisting toddler and baby, a spontaneous visit to see the in-laws, a juddering Buffy DVD and screaming sleep deprived children resulted in the bare minimum of me-time and only a very small window of time in which to try and complete one of the tasks on my to-do list.

As the baby is still awake and I'm yet to have my tea and some quality time with the husband, I'm going to make this post brief. I feel guilty about that but I need to make the most of my evening, rather than my on-line life, before the all-consuming, sheer relentlessness of 2 young, awake children resumes at what I hope will not be some unearthly hour of the morning.

So, in a nutshell, what was episode 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer about?

This is Amy:

This is Amy's mum:



Lets face it, with a mum like that, the episode was never going to go well.

That's right people, we're dealing with pushy mothers. And not just any pushy mother. She's a pushy mother who practices withcraft.

In her day, Catherine Madison was a successful cheerleader and she's desperate for her daughter Amy to follow in her footsteps. Frustrated that Amy doesn't manage to earn a place on the cheerleading squad, she casts a spell to switch bodies with her daughter and then picks off several of the cheerleaders so that there's a gap on the squad for her to fill. Fortunately, Buffy saves the day and Catherine's soul ends up trapped within the very cheerleading trophy that she won during her glory days on the squad.

Now you know the plot, own up! Are you a pushy mother? Do/did you have a pushy mother? Are you trying to squash your pushy traits? or are you embracing them?

Husband always jokes that in the future, toddler will be one of "those" that auditions for X-factor with complete conviction that they will get through and who seems to have absolutely no realisation at all that the sound coming from their mouth in no way resembles singing. Then when the judges ask him "who told you you could sing?" he'll say "my mum". And there I'll be in the background, fuming at the injustice of them not being able to see the talent that is clearly before their eyes!

Now I happen to think toddler has a lovely singing voice, along with many other fine attributes, and do I want him to reach his full potential? yes. Do I want him to believe he can do anything he sets his mind to? yes. Will I support and encourage him along the way? absolutely. This then begs the question, what does it take for someone to cross the line between encouragement and pushiness?

I imagine it would be easy to become obsessive about your child's successes and failures if you don't have your own interests and identity. Surely if you only focus your energies on your children, it would be all too easy to slip into micro-managing them and pushing them harder than you otherwise would?

Of course I can only speculate, as I have no real experience....yet! If you have a pushy mother story, I'd love to hear it. Please feel free to share the details in the comments box below and if you have a blog post on the subject, include a link so I can be nosey and visit!

I managed to cross another task off my to-do list today, although I confess I opted for the easiest (take down the halloween gel stickers on the interior window) just so I could make sure I passed the challenge.

 

This is what's left on my list:

 

• Clear the dining room table
• File away all the paperwork
• Put locks on all the "un-safe" drawers/cupboards
• Sort out the big box of books that's been sat in the conservatory for the last 3 years
• Tidy and organise my craft table so if I wanted to, I could actually use it
• Declutter the bedroom
• Put locks on the bedside drawers
• Make the boys some fleece trousers
• Do some batch cooking
• Do the Christmas shopping

And the biggest one of all:

• Declutter and clean the spare bedroom before decorating it ready for the toddler to move into after his Boxing day birthday. The baby will then move into the nursery *sob*

What next?

To find out Nyssapod's thoughts on "Witch", head on over to Audioboo. You can also follow Nyssapod's progress at minibreakmummy.

When you've done that, pop on over to Chapters of Claire where you'll find Claire's challenge updates.

 

We all really appreciate your support. Thank you.

 

Join in!

If you want to join in the 12 days of Buffy challenge then details of how to do this can be found on my previous posts here, here and here. You don't have to be a fan of Buffy - you just have to have a desire to get rid of some of those jobs you've been putting off for a while. It's about clearing the decks and paving the way for your own fresh start.

See you tomorrow x

Previously on "A Hell Of A Woman"...

I talked a little about the impact Buffy the Vampire Slayer had on me at a dark time in my life, as well as my desire to rediscover my inner self since having children.

I was excited by the idea of setting myself a challenge and it seemed the universe was also trying to steer me in this direction as all of a sudden, a wealth of inspirational and aspirational sources started to descend on me via my twitter stream and other blogs.

So, what's been happening since then?

I found myself getting more and more excited. I was finally going to become an active participant in my life rather than watching it pass me by.

And I wasn't alone. There were others like me who also want to be more, like Liz at Margot-and-Barbara who is undertaking a 35:35-challenge to try 35 new things in her 35th year.

Then there's Bridgit at Wag Doll who has recently come back to sewing and is documenting her makes and the skills she's learning; very successfully may I add. There's also Steffie Jay at Steffie Jay's Bakes who is learning to cook and is blogging about her adventures along the way, even if they do result in a questionable Jam Roly Poly.

Lets not forget Kate at Kate on thin ice who has started the grooving mums challenge to help herself and others find their va-va-voom and finally, Ruth and Loretta at More than a Mum  whose aim is to help women be brilliant mums and rediscover their identity.

I spent many an hour mulling over the challenge I was going to set myself and in doing so, the actual detail of the task started to escalate in my head becoming more and more extravagant. The more complex and detailed my plan became, the more I started to believe it was going to change my life completely. I would discover a new talent; change my career path and generally start to lead a more fulfilled life.

Naturally, the weight of the expectation I was placing on myself caused me to stall. I hit a wall and despite several attempts, I couldn't find the right words with which to write this post.

The excitement started to fade and was replaced by crippling self-doubt and fear. What if I'm setting myself too big a challenge? what if I don't see it through? what if everyone expects me to fail before I've even started? How will I find the time? 2 small children means I struggle to find a space in the day to blog let alone anything more for myself.

So, where the hell do I go from here?

Well, first of all, I told myself to stop overthinking the whole thing!

I then realised yes, my original challenge was too big and I probably wouldn't have been able to see it through. I was planning a Buffy watching, writing and crafting challenge and realistically, I'm not at a point in my life where I can devote the time that this would have needed.

The next revelation was that as tempting as it may be to jump in with both feet to a hugely demanding project, I need to start on a smaller scale. If I give myself every opportunity to succeed now then I'll have a foundation on which I can build and next time, I can stretch myself that bit further. I have to remember that as much as I want to become "the finished product" now, immediately, right at this moment, that's not how the process works. I need to make the most of the journey if I want to make the most of myself.

With all of this floating through my mind, I present to you the following:

The 12 days of Buffy challenge

This is how it works:

The challenge starts on 01 December 2011 and ends on 12 December 2011.

Each day, I will watch one episode from Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (12 episodes in total) and I will write a blog post inspired by that episode.

However, I will also do one thing each day (as a minimum) and that thing will be a job that's been hanging over my head for a while. As Season 1 is about Buffy making a fresh start in Sunnydale, it seems particularly apt that I seize this opportunity to try and clear the decks a bit so I can move forwards with a much lighter load on my shoulders.

Join in!

If you want to join in this challenge, you can! You don't have to be a Buffy fan; you just have to do one thing each day that you've been putting off.

Tell me about what you've been doing via twitter using the hashtag #12daysofBuffy or by commenting on my 12 days of Buffy posts/sending me a link to your blog so I can include the details in my posts.

The countdown to 01 December 2011 has begun and I'm looking forward to seeing you all at the starting line with me.