BLACK CITY
By Christina Henry

PUBLISHER: Ace US

PUBLISHED: 6 June 2013

GENRE: Fiction / Urban Fantasy / Paranormal Romance

Former Agent of Death Madeline Black may have been stripped of her wings - but she hasn't lost her purpose ...

When Maddy finally killed her father, Azazel, she thought his depraved experiment died with him. But now Chicago has been infested with vampires immune to the effects of the sun, and the bloodbath is worse than she could have ever imagined. While the Agency refuses to interfere with other supernatural courts, Maddy is determined to do everything within her power to save her city - wings or no wings.

But when the leader of the vampires requests that she turn herself in or risk more deaths, Maddy becomes a target for the very people she's trying to save. Left with no other choice, she turns to Lucifer, the one creature who has the power to help her. But her grandfather's aid has always come at a price ...

MY THOUGHTS:                       ***CONTAINS SPOILERS***

Following on immediately from the events in Black Lament (review here), this is another action-packed, adrenaline-fueled installment in Henry's Black Wings series with a whole host of creatures for Maddy and her friends to contend with.

But even though there's a LOT of action (which did seem a bit obviously contrived), that's not really what this book is about. It's about Maddy coming into more of her powers, Nathaniel learning about his true heritage and his own powers, Maddy trying to do her best in difficult situations only, by the end of the book, to be abandoned by her friends and surrounded by the Agency's Retrievers.

Poor Maddy! The harder she tries to keep everyone safe, the greater the hold that darkness seems to have over her heart.  I really felt that even if she'd made different choices, Lucifer's net would still be closing in around her. The book created a real sense of inevitability about that.

But I can't help but compare the ending to "Becoming" the two-part finale of Season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?

Buffy: Me.

And because of that, I still have hope that Maddy can see this through and find a way to thwart Lucifer. I just hope the price of doing that isn't too great.





I know I'm not the only person that's ever spent (lots of) time day-dreaming about what life would be like as your favourite hero/heroine.

 

For me, it started in the playground of Junior School when every breaktime was dominated by games based on "Thundercats" and evolved, over the years, into a fixation with Disney Princesses (Ariel and Belle in particular) and Nancy Drew.

 

 

At University, I learnt self-confidence with the help of Gwen Stefani and Shirley Manson.

 

 

Skipping to my 30's, and I've discovered a host of strong, powerful women - Sydney Bristow, Alice, Veronica Mars ...

And, of course, Buffy The Vampire Slayer; forever a constant in my life:

Who would you like to have grown up into? And did you manage it?

If you want to increase your chances of survival in the zombie apocalypse, and you have a choice of anyone at all, who will you recruit to your ultimate zombie apocalypse survival crew?

My choices are drawn from my favourite tv programmes and in no particular order they are:

Buffy Summers

Strong

Quick reflexes

Resourceful

Experienced fighter

Not phased by the undead

                                                                  

  Debra Morgan

  Tough
  Good in a crisis
  Logical
  Takes no-nonsense






 Jessica Hamby

My girl crush
Strong
Fast
Deadly
Vampire






 Tom McNair

Strong                    Werewolf
Trained fighter       And look at those puppy dog eyes!

Daryl Dixon

Experienced tracker and hunter

Focused

Willing to do what needs doing

Has a crossbow

Can ride a horse
Has a motorbike

Jaqen H'ghar

Killer

Mysterious

Pays his debts

 Tyrion Lannister

Intelligent
Witty
Able to laugh at himself
Loves deeply
Willing to fight







 Jason Stackhouse

Isn't he pretty?!
Loyal
Unintentionally funny
Handy with a gun
Has a truck













What do you think? Are the odds of survival a bit more in my favour now?

I'm interested to know who you'd choose so let me know!

It would be easy for you to assume I must be a fan of horror films. I'm not. They scare the absolute bejeezus out of me. My brain doesn't seem to accept the logic that they're not real and there's nothing to fear. Instead, it leaps straight to "holy crap, this could really happen, what the hell am I going to do?, I'd better keep all the lights in the house on as a warning to any vampires/demons/evil spirits/mass-murderers etc to keep away".

Zombies are pretty much at the top of my "things that scare me" list. I think it's because they're so single-minded. You can't negotiate with them or appeal to their better nature. If they get you, that's it, game over.

And lets face it, it's not going to be a quick death. They'll rip lumps of flesh from your body using their dull, unsharpened teeth and you'll feel every single bite until you die from shock or blood loss.

It's not like it even ends there. You'll then have the joy of reanimating and trying to eat your family and anyone else that crosses your path.

Overall, it's not an experience that'll ever be going on my bucket list.

So how did I get here? to a point where the reason behind my desire to get fit is to avoid becoming zombie fodder? to a point where I'm having regular zombie apocalypse survival discussions on twitter?

It started when I found out the computer game "Resident Evil" was being adapted into a film. I'd never played the game myself, or had any desire to, but I was really excited about the film, as I'm a huge fan of Milla Jovovich who had been cast in the lead role of "Alice". I even ventured to the cinema on my own to watch it!

Although the films in the Resident Evil series tell the story about how the zombie apocalypse begins and what happens afterwards, they're all about the action rather than the deep thinking so I never thought any more about the subject until I came across what, in my opinion, is one of the best tv programmes to have been made in recent years; The Walking Dead. 

Focusing on the relationships, conflicts, and dilemmas faced by a small group of survivors of the zombie apocalypse, The Walking Dead is very much a programme that asks how you keep your humanity in inhuman times and it makes you question what you would do under the same circumstances.

I'm not the only one that started thinking about how I'd survive in the event of a major catastrophe; the Centers for Disease Control and Preventions also got into the act with their zombie preparedness campaign. It may have been tongue in cheek but it definately helped them to connect with a new audience and as their director, Dr Ali Khan, notes "If you are generally well equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack". Good to know.

So like many, my fascination with the zombie apocalypse isn't to do with the zombies themselves, or driven by any desire to scare myself, it's about how I'd survive if society and life as we knew it collapsed. Will I be able to keep myself alive? What will I be prepared to do to achieve that? How much of my humanity will remain intact? What am I willing to sacrifice? 

Am I ready? I've made a start but I've a lot more to do, including a beginner's Archery course in the Autumn. Because no zombie apocalypse would be complete without a woman with a crossbow.

If it's good enough for Buffy, it's good enough for me!

How prepared are you? I'd love for you to share your thoughts with me.

One of the things I love about twitter is the ease with which you can connect and chat with people who share the same interests as yourself and my guest poster today is one of those people.

Rob and I started out exchanging tweets about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which then progressed to other tv programmes and films. So when I decided to start my Grr Argh Challenge and temporarily dedicate my blog to all things fitness and zombie-related, I knew I wanted him to write a guest post for me. Lucky me, he agreed.

Rob blogs here and you can find him on twitter here and on facebook here. Just don't ask him about his views on twilight!

Anyway, enough from me, over to you Rob... 

Zombies. How can they be that threatening? I mean really, they're dead, so plus one for you straight away if you aren't one of them; they're rotting and falling apart and hopefully you aren't unless you are some form of leper. They don't possess the higher brain power that you, me and anyone else who hasn't appeared on a daytime chat show does so ideally we should be able to outsmart them.

But wait. They don't need to sleep. They're hungry buggers that's for sure, and I'm pretty certain a 6 Nugget extra value meal from MacDonald's won't satisfy them. They're relentless, and unfortunately, they're gonna have the numbers. Let's say you live in Leeds. Leeds has a population of 500,000. Then, 90% of the population get infected and become 'Dead Heads'. Those sheer numbers suck. That means you're gonna have to do an awful lot of legging it.

So this is where "Zombieland's" number one rule kicks in. Cardio. I'm a slight chunky monkey, therefore if I can do up a mobility scooter before the wrath of the undead are unleashed upon the world, I'll be good. However, if you like your survival chances to be a little bit more natural, a tad more predator/prey than shambling corpse + car = splat, then cardio is for you.

You're going to need to shift it between safe houses, shopping malls and possibly to a boat (Seeing as how being on a cruise liner in the middle of the ocean would prove to be a much safer place to be than say in the middle of the dales, with no petrol, no food, only a lighter; a half eaten snickers bar; a rolled up copy of the daily mail as a weapon and a looted copy of Twilight to keep you sane whilst the population of Blackburn is romper stompering after you for a light snack) and therefore being fit, having suitable stamina and an iPod full of zombie ass kicking and leg pumping tunage is a necessity.

Therefore, what would be your top ten, "Imma runnin' for my life from the walking dead" songs to get you from Greggs to JJB Sports to a safe place? Since this is me writing, I'm going to treat you to mine.

In at ten, like a banjo to a decomposing face, "Metallica - Seek and Destroy" with it's heavy riffs, James Hetfields gruff, gravelly vocals and neat Kirk Hammett solo, what better way to pummel your way through hordes of the great undead (or unwashed if you live in a University town) and pound some pavement than to 80's thrash?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7awMJwjhc4c

Number nine on my Zombie Holocaust soundtrack for the end of days would definitely have to be "The Misfits - Scream". If I'm jogging for my life, which admittedly, would be the only time you would fine me jogging, and I'm pretty scared, I may as well express my fear through a song about being afraid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGUWla4OVrY

Shuffling in at number eight, would have to be "Kernkraft 400's - Zombie Nation" with it's beat and punchy repetitive vocals of "Zombie" it would definitely serve it's purpose to get you a) doing your cardio and b) remembering you're in a zombie holocaust.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSJQLCImV18&ob=av2n

Urghhhhing around at number 7 is Harry Belafonte with Zombie Jamboree, yes that's right, some good ole Caribbean zombie beats. I mean, just because the dead are chomping down on the living and there's no internet or living TV to watch re-runs of Maury on, doesn't mean you can't break out the BBQ and get slightly lashed on Rum. In all honesty I think there's no better time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdRI2Y8fGcI

At number 666 on the zombie survival playlist of magnificence (Nothing like being self important!) goes to those Ska loving, quirky punksters, The Aquabats with "Fashion Zombies", a song resplendent with quirky keys, quirky vocals, a nice quirky riff and quirky harmonies. In short, it's quirky, fun and cheesy as hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLJJMBa0s6o

No zombie soundtrack would be complete without a nod towards a George A Romero film, so this is where The Murderdolls' "Dawn of the Dead" drops in at number 5. Yes, Schlock rock, with shoutyness, guitars and a tongue firmly planted in cheek.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SOj3F--DEU

"But wait Rob. This soundtrack seems to have a very rock/guitar/shouty/rahrahrah kind of vibe to it" I hear you cry! Well fear not intrepid reader, unless there's an undead ghoul drooling down your window holding a sign requesting you come outside for a cat scan, then fear away, but fear not! Number four on this list goes to none other than Michael "Shamone" Jackson and "Thriller". Yes, you can shuffle your way round the hordes of rotting monstrosities whilst simultaneously getting them to shuffle along with you, hand claps and all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG6oy46qKE4

Okay, so blatant piece of cheese over and done with, number three on the list. And it's a return to the divine secrets of the Rahrahrah sisterhood with "Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie. Yes, the bearded lover of all things weird, wonderful and down right out there makes it into my list. And if you really get off on the whole zombie thing (anyone who has watched "Zombie Strippers" would agree) it could always be used for some zombie themed lap dance. If you're that way inclined. You freak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvsMPOfblfg&ob=av2e

Let's think carefully now. The population has been slightly decimated a little bit (complete understatement Rob I hear you say) and the streets a wee bit empty. There's no cars. No trains. No planes. No cyclists. No annoying teenagers listening to repetitive "umpcha umpcha umpcha" music on the backs of buses. Heck, there's no buses. Just the distant groans and moans of the living dead in the distance. It's almost like the place where you live is a... "Ghosttown" by the Specials. Yes, a lil bit of two tone for this playlist wouldn't go amiss. With a haunting trumpet and nicely punctuated brass section, you can skank your way through the city streets, contemplating nicking Sony Bravia's and watching DVD's of Friends, Seinfeld or Buffy whilst the minions of the underworld shuffle about the place in your own post-apocalyptic world. And people say I'm a pessimist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WhhSBgd3KI&ob=av2n

Let's hear that drum roll, or a head roll if you're morbid. Number one. the song above all other's that's a pre-requisite for the Zombie Apocalypse. The crap has hit the fan. Life's a bit more brutal, perhaps shorter. But don't worry, always look on the bright side of life...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

And it's with a whistle at my lips, a smile on my face and a sturdy cricket bat in my hands that I shall leave you. Use this list, or make your own, and when the zombies come, keep your wits about you. Good night, and good luck. (Insert evil Vincent Price laugh here...).

Rob Draugr is a Zombie nut, a 27 year old child with a liking for video games, movies, good quality TV shows and books. He's the size of a small elephant, with the bladder of a peanut. He currently resides in Yorkshire, but classifies himself as SouthernBrummieEastAnglianYorkshireman and quite enjoys a cup of tea and a digestive once in a while. If you enjoy his ramblings, then check him out at his Blog here and let him know what you think.

Back at the beginning of February, I gave you the power to choose my new hairstyle. After the poll closed and the votes were counted, life (and 2 poorly children) managed to get in the way so I didn't actually make it to the hairdresser's until yesterday.

Are you ready to see the result?

Before:

After:

The hairdresser must have cut off a good 6 inches of hair and it felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders when she did it. I feel lighter, brighter and much more fun.

This is actually the sleek and straightened version as styled by my hairdresser but honestly? I'm never going to style my hair this way. Not because I don't like it but because I don't have a hairdryer or the patience to do it! Instead, I'll be making the most of the layers she put in and I'll be rocking a much more out-of-bed messy look.

Next time, I think I'll get her to take an extra inch off the bottom so my hair stops either at chin-level or just below it; a bit more "bob" like. Of course that's assuming I manage to get back there in a few months rather than in 16!

The voting results were as follows:

Short and shaggy: 17 votes

Shoulderlength: 9 votes

Long and layered: 5 votes

This is me:

Thank god for photo editing software!

I last had a haircut in December 2010. That's right; nearly 14 months ago. As a result, I'm currently rocking Season 6-Buffy-climbing-out-of-her-grave hair. In non-slayer speak what that means is I have hair that's dry, frizzy, full of split ends and which spends most of its time either in 2 plaits or scraped back into a ponytail.

This isn't how I want my hair to be.

In my life before children, my hair was always a source of self-expression. I had fun experimenting with different lengths, colours, styles and accessories and if something didn't suit me, it didn't matter because the great thing about hair is it always grows back, or the colour can be changed, or you can add a fringe/layers.

You can change how you feel about yourself simply by changing your hairstyle.

My hair doesn't make me feel good; I need a change so I'm giving YOU the power to choose a new hairstyle for me.

Here's how it works:

1. Read my points-to-bear-in-mind
2. Take a look at the styles I've chosen
3. Vote for your favourite style in the poll on the right-hand side of my blog

Points to bear in mind:

• I have thick, heavy hair.
 
• I don't own a hairdryer or hair straighteners. I won't be buying either of these things. I'm a minimal fuss kind of gal and I don't have the time or inclination to sit in front of a mirror making my hair either full of volume or poker straight. I like to roughly towel dry my hair, run a brush through it (or not) and then leave it to dry naturally.
 
• I don't own any hair products (although I'm prepared to invest in some) so I don't want a style that requires me to put loads of goop or spray in my hair.
 

Choose a hairstyle for me:

OPTION 1) SHORT & SHAGGY

OPTION 2) SHOULDER LENGTH, LAYERED & A LIGHT FRINGE

 

 

OPTION 3) LONG, LAYERED & A LONG FRINGE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You have until midnight on Friday 17 February 2012 to place your vote in the poll. Whichever style receives the most votes is the style I'll be asking a hairdresser to reproduce on my hair.

Happy voting! 

Okay, so I'm a bit late to this party but over at SyFy, they're asking everyone to vote for the greatest episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the 20 they've listed. Then, over the weekend of 03 and 04 March, they'll play the results in ascending order.

First of all, fair play to the SyFy team for managing to pick 20 out of 144 episodes. I think I'd have found it a lot easier to list the episodes that didn't hit the spot for me than to try and narrow my favourites down to 20.

Secondly, the deadline to vote is tomorrow, 07 February, so what are you waiting for? Get over there now!

So which episode have I voted for?

That would be the one where Buffy loses everything; her friends are injured, her watcher is kidnapped and tortured, she's wanted for murder, and her mum finds out about her "secret identity" and in shock, disowns her.

But all the pain and heartache allows her to come to terms with the fact she has to kill Angelus in order to stop him from opening a hell dimension. She finally accepts there's no possibility of restoring Angelus' soul and that her true love, Angel, is gone.

Fine and dandy you say? Well it would have been if, at the eleventh hour, just as Buffy defeats Angelus and is about to kill him, Willow hadn't managed to restore his soul. Before her eyes, he becomes Angel again; the man she loves and never stopped loving.

But it's too late, the hell dimension is opening and there's only one way to close it and save mankind. Buffy tells Angel to close his eyes. She kisses him and then she kills him.

Yes, my vote was for the two-part, Season 2 finale episode "Becoming". It breaks my heart everytime and leaves me in floods of tears. Just writing about it is making me tearful.

If you haven't seen it, seriously, watch it. I defy you not to cry.

Image credit: hidinginneverland.tumblr.com

Let me take you back to a couple of weeks ago when I was reading the introduction to the fashion category of the Love All Blogs weekly showcase, which is written by my very dear online friend, Liz of Margot and Barbara fame.

As I don't buy any newspapers, watch the news and rarely buy any of the so-called gossip magazines, I'd completely missed that awards season had already started this year with the Golden Globes.

Okay, it's not headline news but the reason why it caught my attention is because none other than my favourite vampire slayer, Sarah Michelle Gellar, was on the red carpet. Thank you Liz for bringing this to my attention!

Now I adore SMG. I used to snip pictures of her out of magazines and blu-tack them around my mirror. I even had full length posters - of SMG herself and of her alter ego Buffy - stuck to my bedroom wall. I won't tell you how old I was at the time!

Back then, and even now, I thought that SMG is one of the most beautiful women out there. She has a simple, classy style and to me, she is an incredibly positive role model; strong, driven, hard-working, independent, modest and secure in herself. Over the years I've regularly engaged in the "all the ways I'm similar to my hero" game. We're the same age. We both gave birth to our first child in 2009. And well, yeah, that's pretty much it!

Anyway, if you haven't seen, here's the outfit that Sarah Michelle Gellar wore to the 2012 Golden Globes:

Image Credit

I don't know about you but I like it! I think the blue is a very complimentary colour choice. It's dramatic and individual and SMG looks healthy, glowing and elegant.

This dress has certainly managed to divide opinion though; attracting, on one side, positive coments and on the other, relegation to the media's worst-dressed list. Which camp do you fall into?

So, what actually prompted me to write this post? Well, it was this news article courtesy of the Daily Mail Online. It really managed to wind me up with its patronising tone and its message that it's only okay for a woman to be "badly dressed" if their outfit was chosen by a two-year old.

Am I the only one that's heartily sick of "fashion" and the seemingly neverending list of what we should all be wearing and in which particular combinations? I mean, who is it that determines what is fashionable and what isn't? What actually qualifies them to do that? And why on earth do they assume we all want to look like couture clones of each other?

What frustrates me even more is the way in which the media, and others, are so quick to label and mock anyone who doesn't conform to "the fashion rules". How did we become so intolerant and judgmental?

I don't deny that I'm interested in celebrities but it just feels quite saddening that a lot of what we're told about them focuses on what they wear, the things they own, how much they weigh and who they're dating. What sort of message is this sending to the world?

Do we really want our young, impressionable children growing up believing that you're only worth something if you're attractive, thin and rich? And if you see someone that doesn't fit that criterion then it's fine, and expected, to criticise them? That's not the attitude I want my children to have.

What I'd like to see is a more responsible attitude being taken to "celebrity gossip" rather than what appears to be such glee in sniping and bitching at what are essentially very superficial qualities. Maybe I'm getting old but I'd much rather read a gossipy but ultimately positive and inspiring piece rather than something that's running someone down.

What do you think? Do you love or loathe celebrity gossip? Do you think people are influenced by what they read about celebrities? And how can we combat any negative messages our children may pick up about image and weight? I'm interested in your thoughts.

Phew, rant over!


You may never have watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but chances are you know there's a musical episode. And what an episode.

I've been surprised to find one of the songs stuck in my head the last few days. I keep catching myself humming it and then singing parts out loud. I've even sung it as a nap-time lullaby to the baby.

The song in question is called "Going Through The Motions" and this is me. It's where I'm at right now. By rights, this should make me feel depressed but it doesn't. I feel strangely joyful when I sing along. I know what's to come for Buffy and I know that like her, I can pull myself up and find my place again. I feel empowered and just as Sarah says to Jareth the Goblin King in the film "Labyrinth", I can say to that little voice in my head "you have no power over me".

I hope you enjoy the video.

Buffy:
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel
This strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right

I’ve been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been
Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

I was always brave
And kind of righteous
Now I find I’m wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just
Doesn’t mean a thing

Vampire:
She ain’t got that swing

Buffy:
Thanks for noticing

Demon and vamps:
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately we can tell
That she’s just
Going through the motions
Faking it somehow

Demon:
She’s not even half the girl she-ow…

Buffy:
Will I stay this way forever
Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor

Handsome young victim man:
How can I repay-

Buffy:
-Whatever

I don’t want to be

Going through the motions
Losing all my drive

I can’t even see if this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive

It's been 14 years since season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and 12 years since I first watched it. Tonight, as I did all those years ago, I cried.

In this season finale episode, Buffy found out it was prophecised she would face the Master and die.

I cried because for once, Buffy was afraid. She didn't want to die and as any 16 year old would, she wanted to run away and hide.

I cried because those who cared about her tried to protect her and prevent her death.

I cried because the responsibility of being the slayer was a heavy and unshakeable weight on Buffy's shoulder.

I cried because Buffy was prepared to sacrifice her own life to save everyone else.

I cried when Buffy realised that if she had run away and hidden, rather than facing the Master, the prophecy would never have come to pass.

I cried when Buffy died and Xander brought her back to life using CPR.

I cried when Buffy defeated the Master.

And then I cried when, from the look in her eyes, it was apparent her victory had come at a price and the usually unflappable Buffy was in fact very shaken by all that had happened.

Yes, there were a lot of tears. Yes, I probably am quite loopy for how emotionally involved I was and  still am with this programme. Yes, I'm fully aware it's not real. BUT, all of those emotions translate into real life, and into my life.

I never particularly thought about my own mortality until I had children. Now I am scared by death. I don't want to leave my boys without a mother or my husband without his wife. I don't want to die.

This feeling extends to my wider family as well. Recently my mum and dad have been making Wills and asked whether there is anything I would like as a keepsake to remember them by. I can't think about this. I don't want my mum and dad to die. I want them to be around forever.

I may not be a slayer but the responsibility of being a mum weighs heavily on me at times. It is scary to know I will play a huge part in shaping my childrens' characters and that I therefore need to lead by example. It is even scarier to know I am prepared to make whatever sacrifices may be needed to ensure their happiness and security and to protect them from any pain and hurt. After all, there will inevitably be times in their lives when this is impossible.

I will be honest there are times when the pressures of being a mum makes me want to run away. Days when no matter how hard I try, I feel as though I'm not good enough. I'll keep battling though. I'm not prepared to give in.

I may have watched 1 episode of Buffy each day for 12 days and I may have written a blog post on each of those days but did I manage to cross 12 tasks off my to-do list?

The short answer is no; I only completed 11. However, the longer answer says you know what? it doesn't matter. The journey really has been more important than whether I passed or failed the challenge. This is what I learnt along the way:

• It is difficult, but not impossible, to find a minimum of an hour each day that's just for me.
 
• Sometimes life gets in the way of your plans. When this happens, don't stress or think of yourself as a failure, just let it go and move those plans to another day. Tomorrow's another day and flexibility is definitely needed when you have children.
 
• I am not alone in how I feel. It's incredibly liberating to realise that other women feel the same way I do. Not just about being a mum but about other things like keeping the house in some kind of order and finding time for yourself.
 
• When I set my mind to something, I can see it through. I'm not the procrastinator I thought I was.
 
• I don't have writer's block after all. I just needed to write! And I'm loving it!
 
• Having something that's just for me makes me sparkle. I feel more interesting and other people respond to that.
 
• I really , REALLY love Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

 

This may be the end of this challenge but on the whole, I feel really excited because as any Buffy fan knows, season 1 may have laid the groundwork but season 2 is when it all really kicks off! Bring it on, I say.

Thank you everyone for following me over the last 12 days and for your support, compassion, understanding and compliments. You've helped to spur me on, given me confidence in what I'm doing and you've also surprised me - there are a lot more Buffy fans out there than I thought there would be!

Taking up the mantle of this challenge was Nyssapod from minibreakmummy and Claire from Chapters of Claire. A big congratulations to both of you on completing the challenge! We did it! If you haven't had chance yet, please pop over to their blogs and read about their experiences.

Finally, inspired by this challenge to set their own challenges was Tamsin from Made by Tamsin and Liz from Margot and Barbara. My challenge may have finished but theirs is still ongoing so please keep checking in with them both and offering your support.

We saved the world! I say we party!

Have you ever felt invisible? What would you do if you were invisible for a day, or longer?

In episode 11 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we discover that Marcie Ross, ignored and treated as though she doesn't exist at school, has actually become invisible. Rather than solving her problems, the continued loneliness and isolation has driven her insane and she plans to horrifically disfigure the most popular girl at school, Cordelia, to make her understand what it's like to be an outcast.

What's interesting about this episode is you start out sympathising with Marcie but by the end, you've seen an unexpected depth and intelligence in Cordelia. She may be the queen bee but hers is still a lonely throne:

Cordelia: Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.

Out of all the episodes I've watched so far, this one best sums up the feelings that led to me starting this blog. Having 2 babies in 2.5 years has been incredibly rewarding but lets face it, it's also been, and still is, extremely exhausting. My life has undergone this huge transformation and even though I knew this would happen, it's still hard to come to terms with.

There's the 'little' things like the physical changes to my body, the postnatel hair loss, the ridiculously dry skin, the fact I haven't worn heels since 2008 and struggle to walk in them now, my limited wardrobe, the lack of inexpensive clothing that's suitable for breastfeeding, not being able to find time to drink a hot cup of tea or to indulge myself in other ways (like a long, luxurious bubble bath).

Then there's the bigger things like the sleep deprivation, loss of privacy, feeling like my body is no longer my own, having no time to pursue my own interests, having no energy to take care of myself and did I mention the lack of sleep?

I think what I'm trying to say is that I find having children all-consuming. I am so busy being a mum that I have no time to be me. I have become invisible to myself.

Feeling that I've lost my identity as a woman is what led me to start blogging and in turn, to set myself the 12 days of Buffy challenge. And let me tell you, it HAS been a challenge! I am shocked at how difficult it has been to find the opportunity to watch one episode of Buffy, in peace, and to cross one thing off my to-do list each day. Then there's writing my daily update, which easily takes me a couple of hours because I'm completely out of practice when it comes to writing and words aren't yet coming easily to me.

I am glad I started this process though. I feel better about myself; I have something to talk about other than my boys and it's good to spend some time doing something that's purely for me each day. Husband says I've been sparkling since starting the challenge and I think that's probably the perfect adjective for how I feel. It certainly encourages me to keep going and gives me faith that I too can be a hell of a woman.

I put my to-do list to one side today and instead concentrated on catching up on some sleep. The baby and I spent a couple of extra hours in bed this morning while husband and toddler entertained each other, and we both felt a lot more well rested for it.

Please keep your fingers crossed for the minimum of night feeds tonight. I'm not naieve enough to think sleeping through is anywhere near being on the cards yet!

Now, before I go and scuttle off to bed, please go and support the rest of #teambuffy: Nyssapod, Chapters of Claire, Made by Tamsin and Margot and Barbara. All of these ladies are working on their own variation of the 12 days of Buffy challenge and I would really appreciate it if you'd give them a boost and tell them they're doing a great job.

See you tomorrow for the grand finale x