12 days of Buffy : prophecy girl

It's been 14 years since season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and 12 years since I first watched it. Tonight, as I did all those years ago, I cried.

In this season finale episode, Buffy found out it was prophecised she would face the Master and die.

I cried because for once, Buffy was afraid. She didn't want to die and as any 16 year old would, she wanted to run away and hide.

I cried because those who cared about her tried to protect her and prevent her death.

I cried because the responsibility of being the slayer was a heavy and unshakeable weight on Buffy's shoulder.

I cried because Buffy was prepared to sacrifice her own life to save everyone else.

I cried when Buffy realised that if she had run away and hidden, rather than facing the Master, the prophecy would never have come to pass.

I cried when Buffy died and Xander brought her back to life using CPR.

I cried when Buffy defeated the Master.

And then I cried when, from the look in her eyes, it was apparent her victory had come at a price and the usually unflappable Buffy was in fact very shaken by all that had happened.

Yes, there were a lot of tears. Yes, I probably am quite loopy for how emotionally involved I was and  still am with this programme. Yes, I'm fully aware it's not real. BUT, all of those emotions translate into real life, and into my life.

I never particularly thought about my own mortality until I had children. Now I am scared by death. I don't want to leave my boys without a mother or my husband without his wife. I don't want to die.

This feeling extends to my wider family as well. Recently my mum and dad have been making Wills and asked whether there is anything I would like as a keepsake to remember them by. I can't think about this. I don't want my mum and dad to die. I want them to be around forever.

I may not be a slayer but the responsibility of being a mum weighs heavily on me at times. It is scary to know I will play a huge part in shaping my childrens' characters and that I therefore need to lead by example. It is even scarier to know I am prepared to make whatever sacrifices may be needed to ensure their happiness and security and to protect them from any pain and hurt. After all, there will inevitably be times in their lives when this is impossible.

I will be honest there are times when the pressures of being a mum makes me want to run away. Days when no matter how hard I try, I feel as though I'm not good enough. I'll keep battling though. I'm not prepared to give in.

I may have watched 1 episode of Buffy each day for 12 days and I may have written a blog post on each of those days but did I manage to cross 12 tasks off my to-do list?

The short answer is no; I only completed 11. However, the longer answer says you know what? it doesn't matter. The journey really has been more important than whether I passed or failed the challenge. This is what I learnt along the way:

• It is difficult, but not impossible, to find a minimum of an hour each day that's just for me.
 
• Sometimes life gets in the way of your plans. When this happens, don't stress or think of yourself as a failure, just let it go and move those plans to another day. Tomorrow's another day and flexibility is definitely needed when you have children.
 
• I am not alone in how I feel. It's incredibly liberating to realise that other women feel the same way I do. Not just about being a mum but about other things like keeping the house in some kind of order and finding time for yourself.
 
• When I set my mind to something, I can see it through. I'm not the procrastinator I thought I was.
 
• I don't have writer's block after all. I just needed to write! And I'm loving it!
 
• Having something that's just for me makes me sparkle. I feel more interesting and other people respond to that.
 
• I really , REALLY love Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

 

This may be the end of this challenge but on the whole, I feel really excited because as any Buffy fan knows, season 1 may have laid the groundwork but season 2 is when it all really kicks off! Bring it on, I say.

Thank you everyone for following me over the last 12 days and for your support, compassion, understanding and compliments. You've helped to spur me on, given me confidence in what I'm doing and you've also surprised me - there are a lot more Buffy fans out there than I thought there would be!

Taking up the mantle of this challenge was Nyssapod from minibreakmummy and Claire from Chapters of Claire. A big congratulations to both of you on completing the challenge! We did it! If you haven't had chance yet, please pop over to their blogs and read about their experiences.

Finally, inspired by this challenge to set their own challenges was Tamsin from Made by Tamsin and Liz from Margot and Barbara. My challenge may have finished but theirs is still ongoing so please keep checking in with them both and offering your support.

We saved the world! I say we party!